What decorating a tree and a massive snowstorm looks like to a little Ethiopian Drummer Boy

If I could play music while you view this Blog post it would be David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing their famous version of The Little Dummer Boy.

Today it was reported in the New York Times that Ethiopia and Somalia continue fighting. Well, Ethiopia is now admitting to the fighting. On the eve of our Saviors birth. Here it is Christmas morning- early- the time when the sugarplums are dancing in heads and children are all nestled…and I turn on the computer so I can print a photograph and this article is there – published less than 20 minutes ago:
Anti-American sentiment is sweeping across Africa

So…as you look at my photos – the kids that one year ago were brought to the orphanage- one year ago when we went to bed on Christmas eve not knowing if this adoption would happen and on Christmas morning we knew it would…as you look at the photos and as you read the article about the fighting in Somalia…play this song in your head- hear David Bowie and Bing Crosby singing….

Come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
A new-born king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum



Peace on Earth, can it be
Years from now, perhaps we'll see
See the day of glory
See the day, when men of good will
Live in peace, live in peace again

Peace on Earth, can it be
Every child must be made aware
Every child must be made to care
Care enough for his fellow man
To give all the love that he can

((This is what 2 feet of snow in 24 hours looks like to a little boy from a village near Sodo, Ethiopia))


I pray my wish will come true
For my child and your child too
He'll see the day of glory
See the day when men of good will
Live in peace, live in peace again


This is what the holidays often feel like to most of us...we want to run screaming but are held together by the JOY of the Miracle of Christ.

Peace on Earth, can it be
Can it be

Oh Come On!

Is it still possible in this day and age that people still think they can "catch" HIV from a child? From a hug? From holding a hand? Is it possible that the stigma of HIV and AIDS is still so deep...wait a sec...How on earth did it get so deep when this disease has hardly even been around...I mean it really "appeared" only 20 or 30 years ago...how does that happen?

We have a young guy in clinic who needs medication - but we cannot start him on medication because he lives in a house with a lot of people who do not know he has HIV and he is TERRIFIED to tell them. This could quite possibly kill this man. The fear of the reactions of the people he loves the most in this world.

Jesus must just cringe when walking among us. (I am certain he spends a lot of time looking at me cross-eyed) So if HIV is the modern day leprosy...then why wouldn't Christians want to do everything they can do help those who suffer with this horrible disease? It is quite clear it is what Christ would have us do. When caring for and loving people with HIV are we not showing love for Christ himself?

Why would a Christian Adoption Agency say that they will not facilitate the adoption of an HIV positive child? I can tell you that it’s out of ignorance and fear. (And, I can't help it, it’s also out of stupidity)

I sat in a meeting yesterday with several government officials where we had to identify the major challenges we face in successfully treating young people and pregnant women with HIV...would you believe one of the major challenges was stigma and disclosure? And then we had to make an "Action Plan" (These were government folks you see...)

I said, "This is so huge...its something that has to change on a societal level...how do we do that?" It seems like a drop in the overflowing bucket. Its like saying "Oh there are 20 million orphans in Africa- we brought home 2." What good is that in the big picture?

I once took care of a sweet little girl. A funny little girl. She had AIDS. The full blown kind, that you hardly see in the US in kids anymore. She was so sick. There were no medicines to help her. She was dying from the day that I met her and died when she was nearly 3 years old. I held this little girl for hours upon hours at night- we would rock and sing and I would pat her arm. She had a horrible patch of shingles on her arm that just got worse and worse over time. It was always bandaged and hurt so much. She liked it when I would pat her arm (really hard). It deflected the pain in a way that made it slightly more bearable. She could barely eat due to the thrush in her mouth. This, too, hurts like you cannot imagine. She had diarrhea constantly and sores on her bottom that made it unbearable. She loved to be worn on her mommy's back in the backpack and walk around the Christmas Tree farm where we lived. She loved birthdays and ketchup and Santa. She loved the song "Rainbow Connection". She also loved the song, "And I will raise you up on eagles wings". She never was able to walk well independently. For a little while she used a walker and then she started deteriorating. I remember that there was a new drug, DDI, but she was too sick to qualify for the drug treatment trials.

This breaks my heart more than anything. She was too sick to be able to get a new drug that may have brought her more months or years of life. Someone made up the rules and said that this little girl had no more choices left. And I think back and with what I know now...what we all know now- she would not only be alive today but would be thriving- this little 2 year old- our little Tina- would be 18 years old. She would be graduating from High School or quite possibly in college. She would likely be in love, and because she was so beautiful and so sweet and funny- someone would be in love with her right back.

She died in 1991. In April. Right after Easter. I buried Tina. Literally. It was a warm day in Northern California, near the coast, and she was being buried near the chapel at the Christmas tree farm. They asked me to bury her because they did not want just anyone to do it. It had to be someone who loved Tina and whom Tina loved. So I had to prepare her grave. Help to lower her tiny casket into the hole and then fill the hole with dirt. It took me all day. I will never ever forget this.

This is why my heart breaks when I hear that the agency that I chose to help me bring my own sons home from Ethiopia will not help to bring home a child with HIV...... And I am truly not being dramatic here when I say that they have blood on their hands. Because HIV care in Ethiopia is much like HIV care was in Northern California in 1991 and these children that CWA and other agencies are leaving behind don't stand half a chance. And someone has to pay for other people's ignorance and prejudice and fear and LAZINESS...but why should that person be an innocent child?

Here is my Tina. She never lets me forget.


Christina "Tina", May 16, 1988 - April 9, 1991

ps Why are they lazy? Because they will not take the time to educate themselves and their staff about the disease and about how wonderful adoption can be for thse children and how to manage the minute differences between this type of adoption and the adoptions of children with other diseases like TB, Hep B, Diabetes, CP, and others.

The Barr Family Tells Their Story

Click on the link to the article below and you can read our story in our neighborhood paper, "The Stapleton Front Porch". Our story starts on the front page and then moves to Page 7 where you can find us sitting on our own "Front Porch".

Stapleton Front Porch

Boo!

I love Lucy, A Chicken, The Statue of Liberty, Elmo, and A Black Eyed Pea



Trick or Treating Chicken



The big girls are sorting candy with Elmo



Yabsera won an award for the "Best Food Costume!"


Maren went on a field trip on the 30th to a Pumpkin Patch- he came home with a pumpkin and he was so proud of it. "Mommy it was the BIGGEST one!" He had no problem with the fact that it was green and slightly mushy. It was adorable. He thought carving pumpkins was so much fun- I have not seen him get that into something new in awhile. He just LOVED it. Maddie (13) said, "Oh you can scoop out all my seeds if you want." And he did...she was so happy to not have to get goopy and he was so happy that he was the expert seed scooper in the family.







Which came first the chicken or the egg...I often think about our adoption that these boys were born before I ever knew I was bringing them home and that is pretty cool. God is good.



The Black Eyed Pea and the Black "I'ed" Pi...and yes I did make fun of my husband's costume.... :)

Yabsera starting to walk...we hoped he would walk by Halloween and even though his first steps were weeks ago he still preferred to crawl- well the week before Halloween he just started toddling around. It's a pretty cute bow-legged stagger. I like to give him all sorts of nicknames like "Sargent fatty pants" and "Sargent Stinky Pants" and my favorite is "Sargent Fuzzy head!"



Pretending to sleep.....


Maren and his teacher at the School Parade!

Video About Orphans in Ethiopia

This video has some footage of Haregewoin Teferra, founder and executive director of Atetegeb Worku Metasebiya Woleji Alba Hitsanet Merja Mahiber AWMWAHM (Atetegeb Worku Memorial Orphans Support Association). Haregewoin is the woman that the wonderful book, "There is No Me Without You" by Melissa Fay Greene is about.

How to Help

"Why snow all messy? Why snow all over road?"

Last week we had our first snowfall in Denver (which by the way has more sunny days than San Diego or Miami! and its not that cold here!) Anyway- it was Maren's first snowfall and he was amazed. He played in it for hours and came in and he was just freezing! It took forever for his hands and feet to warm up. He kept looking out the window and saying, "MOM!!!!! A-LOOK! (left over from "Ayo!" which means "look!" in Amharic) Why all messy- snow- all over car? Car ALL MESSYYYYYY! Why?" I tried to explain it was snow- which is like rain only colder..."But MOM! Why no snow ETHIOPIA!!!!????!!!" I explained that it’s not that cold where he lived. He kept asking over and over about the snow- he and his big brother made a very tall and very cool snow dude. And the way he rides a scooter we are pretty sure he will be an amazing snowboarder...I know Mark is so excited to take him skiing.



That same day we had a visit from a man named Behailu. (It was also HIS first time seeing snow- he thought it was "very Beautiful!") He worked for CWA, our adoption agency- in Addis. He was the man who took us to the embassy appt and we really enjoyed talking to him. He is on a 6 month Visa here and is doing some teaching and preaching and ministering. He left Denver last week for Utah and hopes to travel around a bit. It was interesting to see him and Maren interacting. He was so happy to see both boys and can't believe how much they have changed- but watching Maren- at first- regress and shout and wiggle- begin to talk to him, "Why Dagne not here? Want to go to Addis." Behailu would say, "Ok lets go- to Addis!" And Maren would smile- he knows we are not going back anytime soon- but its one of his favorite games and so the fact that this man he only knew in Addis was here in his house and was playing it with him made him so happy. He also loved showing off that he was allowed to eat with fancy plates and glasses...he wanted Behailu to notice that. And Behailu said, "You are privileged...do you know that?" Maren just smiled. On some level he knows what he has that is different- but he is also very defensive of his country and his culture- as he should be. Last night he did not want to finish super- which is unusual- and one of the big kids commented that in Ethiopia he might not have food. He emphatically stated, "Yes, in Ethiopia me have food. There is food in Ethiopia yes!" And its good that his recent memory would be that of having three meals a day at the CWA care center- that is the food he remembers most- though he does remember eating potatoes and Corn and chicken in Sodo where he came from. Below is a photo of Behailu and the kids (minus Cal who had just stepped on a tack!)

Hi HO HI HO

Off to work I go.........

We celebrated Yabsera's first birthday the same week I was back to work full time. Everyone at my job was wonderful and sweet to me. But I was pretty miserable. Then today, I saw two of my favorite patients. It was a true blessing to see them- and also I have gotten phone calls from families who are so happy to have me back and that is so nice. But even though I am usually a huge cry baby (I am known as the person who always cries at goodbyes etc.) I am pretty good about not doing it in front of patients- and let me tell you that is not always easy- you try telling someone that their precious baby has HIV- NOT EASY!

Anyway- this darling girl I care for came in today- She was diagnosed when she was three. This was a huge blow to her adoptive mom and her family. You can imagine. It was heart breaking. Anyway- she is now 8...and she grew a lot while I was out...I drew her blood and she was so brave and it wasn't always that way- and then I had to give her this shot...she started to cry when it was over and I just looked at her and I started to cry too. Now this little girl is about as smart as they come- really- amazingly intelligent- and she just looked at me ...and I said, "I am crying sweet pea because I am so proud of you and how well you just did!" and she thought about that and then said, "Yeah, I only tried to pull away because a body doesn't like to be poked." I said, "Yeah, its a natural thing to pull away when you are going to get hurt." And she looked at me and smiled so big.

Her mom of course knew I was crying because I really care about her daughter. And she also knew it was because I was away from my boys. She said, "I know how hard this is for you. I remember..but now we have something in common...adoption." I had not thought of that. But the patient I saw yesterday has some really tough issues and I spoke with her mom about regression and she said, "That is the one thing that has made sense to me all day." I only knew to even mention it because of my kids and the adoption. Her daughter was adopted as an infant and is now 12 and is having a very hard time taking her HIV meds. I said that maybe she has regressed and really need her mom to do all the meds for awhile- take all of the pressure off of her for awhile...you be the mommy and act like she is little again when it comes to taking her HIV medications. They are going to try it. Pray that it works.

We went to a Family Fall Festival this weekend which was hosted by one of the families who adopted form Ethiopia this summer. So we got to see several of our Colorado Ethiopian Adoption friends. We had a great time! Here is Maren who loved the hay rides.

And Yabsera who enjoyed chewing on apples and watching his big brother and sisters try and win the three legged races and the pie eating contests...



So far so good...our nanny, who is from Ethiopia, is so sweet and patient. She loved the boys and Maren has broken her in and has had two great days in a row...she brings them Ethiopian food...and talks in sweet Amharic phrases...what’s not to love? (Except she is not mommy! :) )

Melissa Fay Greene's Book

I was able to get my hands on Melissa Fay Greene's new book a few days ago and have loved reading it. Having just been in Ethiopia I can really picture everything- can hear the rain on the tin roof and see the faces that appear in the story. I have updated my blog list on Amazon.com list of books about Ethiopian Adoption to include this one right at the top of the list. And she is coming to Denver on November 29th. We hope to have our Ethiopian adoption group host her prior to the event! After hearing the original date was cancelled we kind of went crazy emailing the Tattered Cover in protest. We are so excited to meet her and celebrate her new book and latest adoption.

Emily's list of great books related to Ethiopian Adoption

The Tattered Cover Bookstore

The Rocky Mountain Ethiopian Adoption Group Click Here to Join!

The Video of Our Trip to Sodo

Here is the video of our drive to Sodo. The quality is not that great because you have to make it a pretty small file size to use You Tube- but I did not know how else to do it. There is nice music that goes along so turn your volume on.




And here is a short slideshow of the day we met the boys in Addis. Again- sorry about the quality. It starts with us at the airport and then travelling through London and finally at the guest house in Addis meeting our boys.

One of Those Days...

I have been having one of those days...really its been like this all week. Part of the reason I have felt kind of crummy is that I go back to work on Monday. I have a wonderful job and work with wonderful people.

My Clinic

And I adore my patients and families. It is where God sent me and called me to work many many years ago. But I am still sad- I would love to be home more with my children- But again- this is where He wants me right now, so I am working hard to say , "Ok God- use me...you gave me more than my hearts desire- with this incredible husband and these 5 amazing children- I can do this."

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on many things over the past 4 months- one of them is family- How important my own siblings are to me as I have watched the relationships of the new kids in our family develop...I find myself wondering how this relationship will grow over time.

I am very close with my sister, Jill. She is one of the coolest mom's around. Her kids are wonderful and are a true testament to her attitude towards parenting. She is patient, she listens, she laughs, she cries, she is fun and she is a teacher. She and I are the bookends in my family- here we are laughing during a blackout in Rochester, NY this summer. We try and call each other every day- we don't talk- we leave messages- she calls on her way to work- and leaves a message- this is at about 5:00AM my time. I then listen to her message on my way to work (8:00 AM) and call her and leave a message. Then on her way home from work she listens to me and then calls and leaves me a message...or not- because sometimes I leave 5 messages and she does not have time to talk herself! :) This way we stay in close touch about what is happening. We started this a few years ago and it’s amazing we have kept it up- but we are very close because of it. Sometimes a long time will go by without us actually having a conversation- but our ongoing conversation is great because we have to listen to each other before we can but in. This is especially good for me- known for butting in.

This next photo is of the top of my brother's head. He and I are only 15 months apart. He is a great big brother. We shared a room growing up and I love him dearly. He lives in NYC and here he is with his baby boy- his next baby is due in November. He is one of the most giving and compassionate people I know. Creative. Smart. and Funny. I think God gave us each other. I came about in kind of in a surprise kind of way- though my mother would never admit that- she always says, "I always wanted 4 kids- 2 boys and 2 girls!" But I think God thought...this little guy is going to need someone to be little with and to giggle with and to fight with when he is a teenager...and to love him when he is an adult. And of course I have always needed him. So we have always had each other.


This last picture is of my other older brother. Uncle Gordy. The other day Phoebe said, "If something happens to you and Daddy what happens to us?" I said, "You would go and live with Aunt Jill and be near Aunt Sharon and Grandma and Poppa and Marilyn." She replied, "No I want to live with Uncle Gordy." He is so much fun and incredibly funny- the one who can make us all laugh until we cry. Here he is a few years ago with the classic pull my finger joke- just perfect for Cal who was about 7 at the time. I just love that picture of Cal because its shoes how I feel when I am around my brother. He is loyal and strong and goes to God in ways I can really learn from.


So, this week has brought about a lot of feelings- of family and work. And when I think about my family history - all of the difficult things and all of the good things...I would not change that- or take it away- the stories we have lived as a family have shaped us into who we are today...a midwife, an actor, a writer, a teacher, a mother, a father...and many of our issues go way back- far into the depths of our early childhood. But we know that history. We can try and understand why we feel the way we feel today. My little boys from Ethiopia have those stories too- they have that history- but they will not be able to rely on that to help them understand why they feel sad at certain times...why when Maren is punished sometimes he cries- and sometimes he just gets really quiet- punishingly quiet.

There are families in Ethiopia who are choosing adoption for their children- Mothers of 2, 3, 4, and 5 children- walking them to a place - being videotaped or photographed- saying they want something better for their kids, saying they want their kids to go to America and then come back and care for them. They can't possibly understand all of the implications of this choice they are making- especially if we don't. But in all of the poorest and most destitute communities of the world- people will give their children and their wives to prostitution to have bread at the next meal...then sending a child to America has got to be a million times better than the alternative...starve...hard work...prostitution...HIV...So, why can I not get the thought out of my head that these parents are giving up the one thing that is the most meaningful in their lives...and that their grief over the loss might quite possibly be insurmountable? Could this choice be the very death of them? And what is it doing to the children? Do these parents understand what adoption means? What it means to quite possibly never see their child again? And please don't get me wrong. I am not judging the people who make this plan for their children. I understand that they live in a world so unlike ours...a world where my little boy never owned a single pair of shoes...and came into care wearing a large tattered piece of cloth- no pants- and too weak to walk...so I am not saying that people shouldn't be allowed to make this choice. I just want to be sure they are able to talk about it, think about it, digest it and that hopefully- God willing- they are offered a way out. How can we help you do this on your own?

My husband's family is in their 4th generation of living in Malawi. His dad was born there- his grandparents went there in the 1930's. His cousins started a program called KINDLE orphan outreach in response to the devastating orphan crisis in Malwai. The program is designed first and foremost to provide food, medical care and water so that families can keep their children. They knew when they started the program that ultimately they would probably have to start an orphanage. But they have not done that yet. Instead they have managed to keep families intact through their mission.

Kindle Orphan Outreach

So...what will the documentary look like in 20 or 30 years that my little filmmaker will make of his journey and the journey of a generation of Ethiopian children- some of whom left family behind- some who left against their will. I can imagine that film. And that is what has been making me think all week. I am praying for agencies out there to be cautious. To stop and evaluate their plans on a regular basis. To be present in the country they are working with. To maintain information on the birth families for the children who have family in Ethiopia. Yes, there is an immediacy of saving a life, but there is also that life to think about. Think long term. Do things to help this child...not just right now...not just today...but help this child succeed and flourish to be successful and happy adults...and slow down. God has given you a gift and the gift is a gift to children and the gift is a gift to the families. Take good care of God's gift.

Yabsera Then and Now

Here is Yabsera around the time of his referral- Last March. We liked how he was holding his own sign. What we did not notice was his little extra pinky finger- we saw it later in another photo. He was holding a purple rattle and I was studying the photo late one night and saw something extra with the rattle...and then I looked back and sure enough- there is was.

My friend Maureen was visiting with him when she went to get her kids- - even she did not notice this extra finger- and she is holding his hands. I love this picture because Maureen is in it- we are very close and yet we have never met in person- but she has met my youngest two kids and our kids shared a home and nannies. Our 7 year olds share a birthday and our 9-year-old son's share a name and our oldest daughters were born within a month of each other. We were pregnant at the same time for all of our pregnancies, we were at the same St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Savannah GA in 1992, and we met through CWA- our adoption agency- because we were sending our dossiers in at the same time- we got our referrals on the same day. Our court dates were 4 days apart and our sons share the same given name. But we have never met- but these are her hands holding my youngest child's hands.

Here is Mark- this is when we first met Yabsera- our relationship is just minutes old in this photo- we were in the bedroom of our guest house just the 4 of us- Mark and I and Maren and Yabsera. It was very nice. And also a bit strange. :)
This is how Yabsera looked the day we got to keep him forever- the embassy day. May 30, 2006. Sitting up with the help of a few pillows. Later at the embassy I would forget he needed pillows and sit him up and then while trying to catch Maren who was running around - Yabsera would fall and cry so loud and everyone in the room would wonder who on earth would ever give me a home study that said I could adopt anyone!
Here he is in his favorite room- the bathroom- he loves the bath, the faucets, the TOILET!!! He stuck his hand in the toilet just 24 hours after he had his hand surgery- not pretty. I have cropped out his cute behind for privacy sake! :)
This is Yabsera's big brother, Cal. He is 9 years older than Yabsera- that is how much older my sister Jill is than me. I love my sister so much and we are very close- I know that Cal and Yabsera will always be close- because Cal can Make Yabsera smile no matter what! Cal likes to wrestle Yabsera and this freaks me out- but Yabsera loves it. This is the day that Yabsera had his hand surgery- he had general and was asleep and did very well- all the nurses and doctors remarked at how "good" and "sweet" he was the whole morning. Then he was loopy on the medicine for the rest of the day- which made us giggle.

Here he is just the other day. He and Maren were finger painting. I wanted to get hand and foot prints for their memory boxes. It was messy and I probably shouldn't have tried it alone- there was paint everywhere. And I couldn't contain one child while I cleaned up the other. But they had fun and I got my footprint and hand prints!


Yabsera is starting to take steps! He finds this fun- but since he can crawl so fast- he is not that interested in walking to get from point A to point B yet- he likes it only for show right now- but it won't be long.

Yabsera's birthday is very soon. He will be 1. We think he is probably already one and will try and change his birthdate when we readopt him to reflect this. Sometimes we wonder if he is 1, or 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, or 42.

Soon it will be easier for me to answer when people ask how old he is- I will say he is 1...I will try hard not to correct myself and over explain why he may not be what I am saying he is. That has been hard for me- I think when he turns 1 - then he is 1...and that will be that.

The Many Faces of Maren

Here is our older son. We adopted him from Ethiopia through CWA in May 2006. He is very dramatic, as you can see, and the other day we decided to put together a bunch of his funny pictures- these are not even close to all of them - there are a lot...OK...I can't for the life of me get the captions to line up next to the pictures...so it will have to be like a game- you try and match the caption to the photo!

Here are some of the very first referral photos we got. He was looking very serious. but then we came across a cute one where he is being playful. This is the maren we now know. Not that he can't be serious in a photo- he especially likes to do that when we ask him to "smile!"




















































Here is when I first met the boys- I was so sleep deprived and we had arrived just 20 minutes earlier. they asked- "when do you want to meet the boys?" Where my husband replied, "As soon as possible!" And I am thinking...hmmmm...shower? Nap? Ok Ok! The boys!!! :)

Here he is playing in the closet at the Guest house...he loved playing in there and also under the bed!


Another early photo of Maren playing at the guest house...the other day he said to me, "Mommy...I love that big house in Addis- where we met." He really liked it there- he loved the people there.






















This was taken on our lovely trip to Sodo...see the post "To Sodo with Love" for more pictures- this was the highlight of our trip and Maren still talks about it- just today he played that he was "Going to Sodo!" with his cars.






Here is Maren's favorite cousin. She went off to college this fall and he talks about "Carolyn College!" He insists she will come to his birthday party...but they live very far away...



Maren and his big sister...the other drama queen in the family.






This is one of my favorites. Its Maren asleep on the stairs. he was taking a nap...woke up...got this far and fell back asleep.













The worlds silliest and messiest eater award goes to.....many of our silly pictures are of chewed food in his mouth...I don't mean to take the shot- but he opens his mouth at the last minute.










One of the clues we had that our little guy was not three years old. His amazing ability to ride a scooter- teaching himself - almost overnight- he is really such a show off on it- can do it one footed for long stretches of sidewalk.



And even playing in the sand becomes a show....
































He loves dressing up...he is mildly obssessed with the idea of Halloween. I got an Elmo costume at a tag sale and we can't get him to take it off.











And this was his first haircut in the U.S. He acted like he had never had one before....














Here he is right after his first haircut...

One of the pictures when we said, "Smile!" this is what he did....

































He had a lot of fun with this thing...

















One of the best pictures- Maren and his favorite human on the planet!!!


Maren got to interview Elmo on TV at the Children's Museum in Rochester NY.



















Eating Thai food is almost as fun as eating Injera!


















Maren loves his CD player...he is on his 2nd one...

















How he re enacted eating his first dorito for mom.





















And of course...the irish dancing wig must be tried on....