Sharing My Room With My New Brothers - Cal's post

I think that this is very exciting. And my mom always says I have the most room of all of the bedrooms in the house. So, I am very excited. We are going to put our old bunk beds in my room for them. These are the same bunk beds that my mom and Uncle Phil used when they were little and Maddie and I used in Syracuse and Phoebe and I used in our old house. Since we are doing that, my mom is trying to get some new stuff. I am hoping we will paint the bedroom soon. We may all sleep in the same bed sometimes- just like in this photograph from Christmas Eve! But what I really think is that the new kids are gonna treasure the electronics, but they will also like playing outside and going swimming- just doing all sports!

The Flying Tomato and Our Referral

We have had a couple of very special and crazy weeks in our family. We actually received our referral! It all happened very fast- though it did not take us by surprise. I remember interviewing agencies last fall and all of them saying that referrals were happening shortly after Dossier's and homestudies were done. Some of the more well know agencies have slower referral times now- because the programs have become so popular. Which is great for the kids- but some of the parents went into this thinking that they would get referrals much faster- and are now waiting. There was no wait with our agency- they are so new and since we are one of the first families there were babies just waiting for families. This week our family was also celebrating a big event- so the referral and the big event were happening at the same time. You can imagine if you were related to the Flying Tomato and got your referral during the Olympics? (I wouldn't mind being related to him. He seems like a neat guy and his family also seems really great!) Well, you can imagine that it would be almost too much to take in all at once.

Our family, too, has been wonderful. So supportive and happy for us. My father was so great. He asked all of these great questions about interracial families and attachment. It was so nice to know he was thinking through all of the challenges of adopting a child of another race. Also, all of the things that come up because your child comes from a place which is absolutely nothing like here. They may live in a mud hut. They may not own shoes. They have never eaten with a fork and a knife. They may have never seen a TV or computer. They will be shocked to see that we have a dog in our house. They will not know what to think the first time they go to the grocery store. They may never have had the chance to navigate stairs. The list is endless. Mark and I have spent quite a bit of time reading about attachment, about grief and loss, about interracial adoption. We have been on an online support group with over 1,000 members from around the world and have learned so many things. Like our child will never have had a bath in a bathtub before. It will be a new and maybe kind of scary experience.

Its great to have a family who sees the big picture and gets why bringing these boys home is so meaningful and important. I think we all know that our time here is short and what we do with it is so very important. And what is the most important thing you can do while you are here? To love and be loved. How blessed we are to have two more children to love- and how even MORE BLESSED our family is that there are two more little people who will adore them all so much.

We have worked so hard to get to this point in our lives and like the Flying Tomato - the victory lap will be so very sweet.

And when we worry about our choices and when the fear sets in we can remember this:

Matthew 21:21-22

Then Jesus told them, “I assure you, if you have faith and don't doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain 'May God lift you up and throw you into the sea,' and it will happen. If you believe you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

The Ride

Pictures from Durban South Africa June 2005 Reminding myself today to enjoy the ride. I have been so incredibly nervous and anxious- I guess something I have wanted for so very long- is finally really really close. The Dossier arrived at CWA today and we got an email saying that Tracy (our case manager) wanted to talk to us tomorrow about a referral. I have just told the folks I work with this news- yesterday and today. I felt like I needed to tell them once the Dossier was sent because I knew the referral was not far behind. I think my family is a bit stunned this is happening this fast. I knew it might be this fast. That is no surprise. but I am still very anxious that possibly tomorrow - or at least in the next few days. Our Barr family as we now know it will change forever. So I have been praying, not sleeping much, asking close friends to pray...and what is nice is God keeps sending me sweet messages of reassurance. For instance, this afternoon when I got the email about the referral...I could not get in touch with Mark and had no one to tell...and I was just sitting there frozen...gripped with anxiety. And my close friend Sarah, from New York, whom I have not even spoken to since she visited over New Years emailed me. She emailed me within 5 minutes or so of the email about the referral call and she said:

2/28/2006
Hi Em,

Just thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. My Spidey-sense is tingling so I figure we should touch base.

Have you heard anything more about the new Barr kid? Do you need anything? I wish so much that I was there. It probably doesn't show but I am so happy and nervous and excited for you... Am I totally weird if I say it feels like a pregnancy from here?

I miss you terribly, please call me if you get a chance.

Love and hugs to all, Sarah


This along with connecting with another mom who is adopting from Ethiopia who has three children all the same ages as our children- and not just that but her youngest daughter and our youngest daughter were born on the same day. And as it turns out, Mark and I honeymooned in Savannah, GA and celebrated St Patrick’s Day there in 1992. This other mom was at that very same St. Paddy's Day parade. So we were at the same parade in Savannah GA in 1992...we were pregnant at the same time for all three of our kids, and we gave birth to our third child on the exact same day...and we are both requesting similar children from CWA and getting referrals at the exact same time.


It is so odd, and yet so reassuring at the same time. I have no idea why its reassuring, but getting text messages from my one brother and phone calls from the other and the calm voice of my sister on the other end of a voice mail. It all helps when things seem a bit overwhelming...as it is in international adoption. Yesterday we had our first flower pop out of the ground...it was really beautiful. It’s all part of the ride. The anxiety, the hope, the fear, and the wonder.

And so when I find myself just feeling like everything is so unknown. The kids are great in grounding me...they talk about really practical things like names and food - what will the child want to eat? Do they have Chicken Mcnuggets in Ethiopia? Will this child be scared of Max (we have decided that yes- the child will be scared of Max- I mean he chases Rabbits!) It’s all part of the ride.

The Little Prince on Dossiers

Today we have our completed homestudy. We have our dossier ready to go. The dossier is a big pile of paper that says a lot of stuff about us, about our family, about our home, our jobs, our kids, our life and even our dog. Mark went through it and found some errors...I kept thinking with all of the research I do at work, all the double and triple checking of other people’s work I should have caught those errors long ago...I spend a good bit of time on details every day and I missed some pretty important details. I felt like one of the characters from The Little Prince, but I couldn't figure out which one. So I looked and I think it’s this one. I feel like the Geographer -the man who sits and writes everything down - how much money we make, how my parents raised me, how much we owed in taxed the past three years, how many square feet our home is...all of the matters of consequence...all of the things that are supposed to allow us to bring our child home from Ethiopia...and I feel like the child is the Flower in all of this. The Flower is the most important thing in the world to The Little Prince, but the flower cannot be counted. And the flower needs Protection and Love.



"Oh, look! Here is an explorer!" he exclaimed to himself when he saw the little prince coming.
The little prince sat down on the table and panted a little. He had already traveled so much and so far!
"Where do you come from?" the old gentleman said to him.
"What is that big book?" said the little prince. "What are you doing?"
"I am a geographer," said the old gentleman.
"What is a geographer?" asked the little prince.
"A geographer is a scholar who knows the location of all the seas, rivers, towns, mountains, and deserts."
"That is very interesting," said the little prince. "Here at last is a man who has a real profession!" And he cast a look around him at the planet of the geographer. It was the most magnificent and stately planet that he had ever seen.
"Your planet is very beautiful," he said. "Has it any oceans?"
"I couldn't tell you," said the geographer.
"Ah!" The little prince was disappointed. "Has it any mountains?"
"I couldn't tell you," said the geographer.
"And towns, and rivers, and deserts?"
"I couldn't tell you that, either."
"But you are a geographer!"
"Exactly," the geographer said. "But I am not an explorer. I haven't a single explorer on my planet. It is not the geographer who goes out to count the towns, the rivers, the mountains, the seas, the oceans, and the deserts. The geographer is much too important to go loafing about. He does not leave his desk. But he receives the explorers in his study. He asks them questions, and he notes down what they recall of their travels. And if the recollections of any one among them seem interesting to him, the geographer orders an inquiry into that explorer's moral character."
"Why is that?"
"Because an explorer who told lies would bring disaster on the books of the geographer. So would an explorer who drank too much."
"Why is that?" asked the little prince.
"Because intoxicated men see double. Then the geographer would note down two mountains in a place where there was only one."
"I know some one," said the little prince, "who would make a bad explorer."
"That is possible. Then, when the moral character of the explorer is shown to be good, an inquiry is ordered into his discovery."
"One goes to see it?"
"No. That would be too complicated. But one requires the explorer to furnish proofs. For example, if the discovery in question is that of a large mountain, one requires that large stones be brought back from it."
The geographer was suddenly stirred to excitement.
"But you--you come from far away! You are an explorer! You shall describe your planet to me!"
And, having opened his big register, the geographer sharpened his pencil. The recitals of explorers are put down first in pencil. One waits until the explorer has furnished proofs, before putting them down in ink.
"Well?" said the geographer expectantly.
"Oh, where I live," said the little prince, "it is not very interesting. It is all so small. I have three volcanoes. Two volcanoes are active and the other is extinct. But one never knows."
"One never knows," said the geographer.
"I have also a flower."
"We do not record flowers," said the geographer.
"Why is that? The flower is the most beautiful thing on my planet!""We do not record them," said the geographer, "because they are ephemeral."
"What does that mean--'ephemeral'?"
"Geographies," said the geographer, "are the books which, of all books, are most concerned with matters of consequence. They never become old-fashioned. It is very rarely that a mountain changes its position. It is very rarely that an ocean empties itself of its waters. We write of eternal things."
"But extinct volcanoes may come to life again," the little prince interrupted. "What does that mean-- 'ephemeral'?"
"Whether volcanoes are extinct or alive, it comes to the same thing for us," said the geographer. "The thing that matters to us is the mountain. It does not change."
"But what does that mean--'ephemeral'?" repeated the little prince, who never in his life had let go of a question, once he had asked it.
"It means, 'which is in danger of speedy disappearance.'"
"Is my flower in danger of speedy disappearance?"
"Certainly it is."
"My flower is ephemeral," the little prince said to himself, "and she has only four thorns to defend herself against the world. And I have left her on my planet, all alone!"

That was his first moment of regret. But he took courage once more.
"What place would you advise me to visit now?" he asked.
"The planet Earth," replied the geographer. "It has a good reputation."
And the little prince went away, thinking of his flower

Curious George on Attachment

Mark and I spent all day yesterday in a required adoption class- where we learned that the term "reunion" is bad...and that you are supposed to say "was adopted” not "is adopted". We also watched an hour long video that was made when I was in about 7th grade about adoption- which had some merit- but was so outdated that it was difficult to watch. Mark and I felt like we could have finished the day in about 2 hours. Afterwards, we went with my close friend and her family to see the Curious George movie. Mark and I, almost simultaneously, said after the movie ended, that we learned more about attachment from Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat than in 5 hours of required adoption class. Honestly, the scene where George and than Man in the Yellow Hat are walking through the city and the monkey sees all of the children being loved by their parents and then he mimics every action was so well done. It even demonstrated how children will regress when they are attaching- at one point George curls up into the cradle position and sticks his thumb in his mouth...and then he sticks his thumb into The Man in the Yellow Hat's mouth...after which the audience of little kids all groaned "Grossssss!"

We are still only telling people about the adoption in a slow process. And of course we have upset people along the way. I guess everyone said to expect that. It is funny though, when I know someone knows about the adoption and they don't mention it. If I were 6 months pregnant right now everyone would be asking me how I am feeling and how things are going, have we thought about names, do we know about a referral yet...etc. We get some of that. But only from a very few people. It’s different. It’s different for us and for them. I think a lot of people just don't know what to say. Anyway, I am getting more and more excited, as is Mark. The kids are probably the most excited. Cal keeps wanting to talk about names. We looked at a bunch of the older waiting kids...just to see if one of them fit. That is not an easy thing to do. They are all beautiful and all deserve to have a home. We just keep praying that God will help the Barr kid in Ethiopia find his mom and dad (in yellow hats) quickly.

Homestudy is Done and Learing to Jump Rope

Today Mark and I, separately, signed our homestudy. Because it has been signed - it will now be sent to Adoption Alliance- who approves all homestudies for the State of Colorado. They say it will take about a week. We used International Adoption Net for our homestudy and have been really pleased.

IAN - Our Homestudy Agency

Signing the homestudy felt like a big deal. I don't know what part of the "pregnancy of adoption" it would be compared to, but its a huge thing to have done- the next huge thing is the dossier being sent and then of course the referral.

Milestones:

Deciding to Adopt
Choosing where you will adopt from
Choosing the kind of child you are interested in (infant or older child etc)
Choosing a homestudy agency
Choosing an adoption agency (if they are not the same place)
Completing your homestudy
Completing your dossier and sending it to you agency
Getting your 1600a fingerprints done
Getting your 171h (is that what its called??)
Getting a referral
Having the court date
Traveling to Ethiopia
Meeting your child/ren
Getting that paperwork completed
Bringing your child home - the birth.

I feel a real sense of accomplishment completing the homestudy. And most of the work is really done by someone else! It’s also really important to note that Phoebe has learned to jump rope and now jumps constantly. (See the post named "The Process".) So she is ready- just in case she is ever called to demonstrate this!

Getting Anxious

OK...so I am officially kind of freaking out about this...and getting more and more anxious. I feel like with my pregnancies it would always help to read all of those pregnancy books. I have a pretty big collection..because I would get new ones with each pregnancy. I would read them at night- about how the baby is developing, what is supposed to be happening...I would read birth stories...but I have to say - most of the books about adoption that I have- although they are great resources...they are really pretty depressing. So many issues of grief and attachment- that you frankly have to take a break from them for a while or you would never go through with it. There is one nice book- that I love because it is a great story of perseverance in an adoption in Zimbabwe.

Love in the Driest Season

So, I don't really know what to do to keep me from getting to anxious or overwhelmed by the idea of adding to our family...I keep reading that yahoo list...though it seems that I have probably cycled through a lot of the information. I have been saving any emails that seem like they may be helpful in the future. For instance, I have saved emails on traveling, completing a dossier, reading about transracial adoption, good web links etc. There are over 30 pages of emails- I think it has some great information that you are not going to get anywhere else- like who is the best cab driver to drive you around Addis Ababa - and how much he charges- or how much he charged before his name was given to over a 1,000 people on this Yahoo EthiopiaAdopt list! But now- it seems that many of the questions have been asked- we are cycling through. My favorite parts are reading about people who have had referrals or who are traveling soon. So I plan to write when that happens- to help someone like me get through the early waiting. This blog helps too. I hope our child/ren will grow up knowing how much we anticipated their arrival and how filled with hope and love we were. The kids keep asking- will this really happen? Cal said, "Mom will this happen? or will it be like that house where we looked and looked and thought it was ours and then it did not happen?" I told him it would happen. That is was not like the house. But I did not known when.

Brehane and Other Names

My email buddy is leaving to go and pick up her daughter tomorrow- she had emailed me about some book suggestions and I was emailing back. Her daughter has 4 beautiful names- her Ethiopian Name, two chosen names and the families last name, This is always a huge topic of discussion on the Yahoo list and people feel very strongly about it on both sides...either keeping the Ethiopian name or using a chosen name. I think a lot of people do what Heidi is doing and use all of the names and then call the child by their Ethiopian name but allow for flexibility...except the folks adopting infants- many of them seem to change the name and keep the Ethiopian name as a middle name- many- but not all. Since mark and I have really loved naming our children- and have made a real science out of it- lists and comparisons etc...We love talking about it and trying new ones out---even after the baby is born...I am sure this will be fun for us too. I did ask him what he thought the other night about the name..."Mark should we keep the Ethiopian name?" "Only if its not too odd with our name” We think most of the names aren't- and most are quite beautiful...but he doesn't want to feel tied to a name that really - for whatever reason would not work...for instance- at Children's Hospital- I kid you not - there is a women whose name is "Candy Barr". You may have noticed that our web address is "Brehane" (also spelled Berhane) this is a beautiful name that means: my light.

Here are two sites, which offer translations to many beautiful Ethiopian names:

My Ethiopian Name

Ethiopian Names

This is part of the email I wrote to Heidi, my friend about naming our other children:

"All the names are great and I think you are right to call her what she knows and then who knows once she is here and you guys are becoming more and more her mommy and daddy- other names may fit- and as you said she will have choices. I love that they can have choices. I have also always cherished the naming of my children. We have so many naming books its kind of comical and I still have lists from each kid...and none were named until after they were born. Madeline Elaine was almost Gabriella Elaine- and she has been called Maddie then for three years insisted on being called Madeline and now back to Maddie....Cal was nearly Henry Joseph- but we liked the nickname CJ and /or Cal and so we named him Caelan Joseph when he was close to 24 hours old- he is called almost exclusively "Cal" by everyone. Phoebe Darling (not from an obsession of Peter Pan- but my great grandmother was Nellie Darling) was not named for three days- the problem being that Madeline - who was 6 1/2 at the time preferred the other name we had chosen- "Miriam" (Mark's birth mother's last name- he is adopted) and we planned on calling the baby "Mimi"- when we had to break it to our little girl that no, in fact she couldn't name the baby- there was a lot of tears- from both of us! So, Phoebe is Phoebe and she has a best friend whose name is Phoebe and they are known as "The Phoebe's". The Phoebe's were in pre-k and K together and everyone called them by their first and middle names- to distinguish them- and so Phoebe for several years was always called "Phoebe Darling" and when we gave her that middle name- we never thought it would ever get used to that extent. Everyone thought we were from the South- not New York! :)

Yes its the middle of the night and I am rambling - I woke up not feeling well...so maybe this adoption is more and more like an actual pregnancy after all!"

CWA's First Kids!

As you know, our agency is very new at working on adoptions in Ethiopia. The exciting thing today is that 2 of their babies have gone through their court appointments and will hopefully be able to travel in the next 3-6 weeks. Its exciting to see that they have completed that process and will be even more exciting in a few weeks when they are able to send families to bring their children home. I have been emailing back and forth with one of the new mom's and she is very excited and it’s been great for me because I think I tend towards worrying about this and perseverating on the unknown. So it has been fun to get really excited about her daughter's court date. What does that mean for us? Well the orphanage that houses kids from infant through about age 3 holds about 16 children at a time. So as the kids are moved out of there and into their new parents arms- there will be room for new young children. That means that our little guy- who may not be in the orphanage yet may come into it at some point and then we would get our referral. Our referral is when we get a call and we are told about a child waiting for us and we get some medical information and any background that might be available and a photo. Then we can bring this info to our doctor or send it to a specialist like Dr. Aronson for review.

The Orphan Doctor

People send the info they have to Dr. Aronson and send in a fee and she will evaluate the info and provide an expert opinion on any issues your child may be facing or will need to deal with. This might be information related to TB testing, malnourishment or development among others. Well, now I just want to get the dossier done and sent!

Mark's Passport

Mark's Passport came today! I know there are several other things we are waiting for---like the homestudy...I thought it would be done by now- but its seems to take a long time for the social worker to pull together and then she has to run it by people who ask for changes and more information. And we also have to wait for clearance from the Colorado Bureau of Investigation. That seems to have taken awhile. Anyway, I am hoping that this Dossier can be sent off some time in the next couple of weeks- but maybe that is wishful thinking. I told my other good friend and coworker today. She was the jump up and hug you kind of excited. It was nice. It was kind of a hard day- so it was nice to end it that way.

Our Agency

Christian World Adoption

We chose this agency because after talking with most of the other agencies and after reading all of the material sent from the other agencies- we felt this was the best fit for our family. We liked that we shared the same faith and values. We liked that they were less expensive than the others, they did not have a lot of restrictions on who you may or may not adopt and they clearly have the children in mind first. They are the newest approved agency and so we knew that we would be dealing with some things that are unknown- like timelines and possible bumps in the road. To date they have not sent a family who has traveled to Ethiopia and brought home their child- but many families have had referrals. And we have been told to just be ready at any time for a referral. I kind of wish I had a little bit of an idea- for instance: "This will absolutely not happen this month- there are several families ahead of you." That would keep me from constantly checking messages and emails for any news...ok maybe it wouldn't help at all! The other agencies and their websites can be found here:

All US Approved Ethiopian Adoption Agencies

We feel that our agency is ethical, honest, has the best interest of the child in mind and has already put a significant amount of money into developing the program and helping the older Ethiopian children they are affiliated with. They have provided money towards school uniforms and supplies among other things. They brought home a video of about 30 kids from 3-12 years old and almost all of them already have families who have decided to adopt them, including a sibling set of 4 and a sibling set of 5! It’s amazing really. I am excited to be able to see the new video of even more children from their recent trip. Its great to watch the video and then see that these children who are older are finding families so fast. It will be wonderful to celebrate with those first few families who actually are able to bring their children home.

Maybe part of why we chose this agency was that it is kind of fun to watch this process from the beginning. The first family whose dossier has been sent, the first referrals, the first kids home...And to know that this program, which is growing so fast, will be able to have a significant impact on Ethiopian families long into the future, as some of the other Ethiopian adoption agencies have already experienced.

Big Day

So, it’s been a really big day for our family! I don't want to go into all of the details here but some wonderful things are happening for our extended family right now and it’s all very exciting and its funny when you have something huge going on and it suddenly seems like everything happening is really quite important. It’s the opposite of when something major occurs and it diminishes everything else in its path. This makes everything else seem significant and wonderful. Like the light is shining on our little neck of the woods so to speak. It’s all good.
On this road to adoption I decided to share our news with my boss- she is also a very dear friend of mine, but I had not shared it yet because there was so much going on at work and I wanted to feel like it was closer before talking about it at work. I had told only told two others at work. One, a good friend, whom I asked to write us a letter of recommendation and the other because she was close friends with one of the folks with our homestudy agency and I did not want her to find out through this other person. This coworker adopted from China several years ago and has been an enormous support to me over the years when I was asking all about international adoption and grilling her for her story and hearing about how her daughter is doing. So it was nice to share the news with her.

I am finding there are a few different types of responses. The first being the same kind of response you get when you tell people you are pregnant- this is the genuine "I am so happy for you” response. That is the one where you can really tell the person is genuinely excited and treats this the same as birthing the baby yourself. This is the rarest response. I have found I like it though. I like when people are THAT excited about it. The jump up and hug you response. The "I want to know every little detail" response.

Then there is the more common response. This is the one that most people give, "Oh, that is great. Where are you adopting from?" The "We are so happy for you." But said like they are happy that we just bought new lawn furniture. "Oh that is so great - did you get the teak or the steel lounger?" These folks know they are supposed to be happy- but can't quite wrap themselves around the idea- or can't for the life of them think why on earth we would be doing this. This is the "sit there and smile" response. They are happy in a way but can't help but showing their angst over the whole thing.

Finally, the response we have gotten- probably from most people, the "Oh I knew you guys would do that at some point" response. I have even had one friend approach me and just say, "you are adopting aren't you?" I have had several friends say, "I am not surprised." Just like that. I mean think about it- if you went up to someone who just told you they were pregnant and you just said "I am not surprised" flatly...wouldn't that be a bit odd? I guess maybe not- many times we are not surprised- but...I can guarantee you that 9 times out of 10 that pregnant person will get the "jump up and hug you" response.

Anyway- I kind of know who will give me the different responses and so I am spacing out my "telling". I have one friend that I know will just be beside herself excited and I can't wait to tell her- but I am waiting to get through a few more of the "Smile and sound excited" responses before I tell her.

I guess I know what people may be thinking. Can they afford this? They are already pretty overwhelmed with three kids- why would they add to that? Can they handle this? There is not a lot of room in that house! Will Emily ever come back to work? Well she will have to, to be able to afford all the kids!

I guess my response is that loving someone else transcends all of that and if you can love someone else that will make your life richer and their life richer. And when we think about what we are doing for the crisis of poverty and HIV/AIDS in this world and what we want to do - this feels right. This is what WE want to do. What else are we really here for? We could bring a baby into the family in different ways and we chose this one. With roughly 6 million orphans in Ethiopia alone, it seemed like the right place to find our child.

So this Big Day in our family- it lead me and my sister to talk about what a Big Year this will really be for all of us. 2006 - it even sounds like a big year.

Baby Dreams

Phoebe, born at home 7 years ago, with her brother and sister present at her birth.
I was reading in someone’s blog that they were having baby dreams. Many people adopting, talk about this adoption process like it was a pregnancy- one person said she really feels pregnant- her thinking is cloudy, she is emotional, excited...but her husband just can't grasp that its like a pregnancy. I think sometimes the husband can't always grasp it, even when the baby is growing in the belly next to him. And I don't mean that he is not excited or thinking about it- but it is very hard to bond with something he can't see or feel sometimes. So feeling the first kick is a great thing for the partner -right? This blogger was saying that she thought her husband would get excited when he actually sees the referral picture- perhaps that is like feeling his first kick.

I remember in my first pregnancy, we belonged to a birthing group that met monthly. One week we went around and talked about the most exciting thing during the pregnancy and also something that was difficult. Almost everyone in the room said the most exciting moment was hearing the heart beat. We were planning a homebirth and it was the philosophy of the midwife not to over use dopplers. She preferred to use the fetascope for listening to the baby’s heartbeat. So I, of course, had not had that experience. So for me it was the first kicks when I felt that excitement the other women had described. The thing that made it difficult was that I had miscarried right before Madeline. So it colored that pregnancy in a way that is difficult to describe. I will have to wait to see what is the most exciting moment for this "pregnancy". At this point it may just be the arrival of Mark's passport!

I have to say. I do not feel pregnant. Am I excited? YES. Am I hopeful? YES. Am I preparing mentally, physically and emotionally for this enormous change? YES. But do I feel pregnant? no. But when I read on this other blogger's site that she had been having baby dreams, it occurred to me that I, too, have been having baby dreams. I did not think much of it until she said that. I had one not too long ago- where, in the dream, I was caring for this newborn- about 8 weeks old I would guess. There was discussion about how this baby would need food and clothes and did I have baby clothes?...could I nurse this baby? I have since has several more where this child is older- closer to the age we have requested. Again last night - I was in a crazy dream where I had to do a lot of running around- entertaining guests, the laundry had piled up to insurmountable masses and the whole dream I had this young toddler on my hip. Now if that doesn't sound like the kind of dream you have when you are pregnant - then I don't know what does. So I wake up and think...that dream did make me feel pregnant but in a different sort of way. The way one might feel if they were adopting a child. I find myself watching toddlers, holding them, relating to them in the same way I have always been slightly obsessed with newborns during my other "pregnancies".

I also think we have told the kids so much about how this new child may cry and fuss a lot when they first come home that we have made them think that this is just how it will be. There are a lot of comments from the kids like, "So when we get the kid and he is crying a lot..." So, I guess they are prepared for the worst and if it’s not the case then we may not know what to do with ourselves.

The Cousins

The Cousins are the best! We love our Cousins! The Beach photo shows the cousins on Emily's side of the family. It was taken in the summer of 2004. We live all over and so its rare to get all the cousins together...but we did get to see all of the cousins from Emily's side of the family this summer and over Labor Day- when our youngest cousin, Cooper, came to Colorado!Phoebe had so much fun with Cooper, that he was the one who changed her mind about adoption. Phoebe didn't really want to have a new baby in the house- she kind of liked being the youngest- but after playing with cousin Cooper for a few days she conceded that "We could get a little boy- but only if he was JUST LIKE Cooper." So we are hoping for a toddler boy- He is not likely to have red hair- but hopefully a smile like our baby cousin Cooper.
The Other Cousins are Mark's sister's children- they are so much fun! Andre' has always been Madeline's partner in crime since they were very little. The things they used to get into! And Alex and Phoebe are our "twins” they were born one month apart almost to the minute and even though Phoebe is older- since Alex is taller they each have to take turns bossing the other one around. The are really more sisters than cousins in many ways. These two can make anyone laugh- two of the happiest kids around!

The older cousins are Carolyn 17, Philip, 15 and Nicholas 12 (almost 13!) and Nicky and Maddie are only 4 months apart. Nicky was actually at Emily's birth with Madeline. We were having a homebirth. It was a warm day in mid July and Madeline was taking her time entering the world. She was born at home in the early hours of the morning- Nicky was fast asleep by then. But he was there. (and I never heard him cry!) Carolyn, our other red head, was so excited when she heard we were adopting, she is reported to have said, "Oh Good! Now I will have a little African Cousin!!" (She did not know at the time that we had chosen Ethiopia as the country to adopt from.) Phil is our levelheaded cousin who is always ready to have a great time...two good qualities in one very mellow teenager...He is always the one little kids want to hug and climb on. This summer he was here and Phoebe fell asleep in his lap.



So we are excited to add to our little family and at the same time grow this brood of cousins- so that we can have more fun times with our cousins camping, swimming, playing games, and hanging out. I can't wait for our new child to meet his or her cousins!

The Unknown

I was just emailing a new email buddy who has recently adopted a 16 month old from Ethiopia. Her husband traveled while she stayed back with their young children. I met her through the process of sending her husband off and then the excruciating wait for their return. It is wonderful for those of us in the process to read the stories of others who are getting referrals and also who are traveling and bringing their children home. She was writing that the doctor felt the child might be a few months younger than they originally told her...there was also a scar that she knew nothing about. I was writing her about how there are so many unknowns with international adoption:

"I do think your email brings up some of the difficulties with
International adoption- we are so keen on knowing all of the details
about our kids lives- the first smile, the first time they ate solid
food, the first step etc...Its like we have this book of our child's
life and the first few chapters are just blank pages. My husband was
adopted at 6 months- we knew he was in foster care for 6 months - but
did not know exactly why until we met his Bmom. And even with that-
we know nothing of those first 6 months- we kind of joke about finding
this foster mom- see if she has any pictures or stories about him. So
even with all we really did know about him- we focus on the unknown.
I think for me that will be hard with all of the unknowns. Ok...so
hang in there...keep me posted and send me a photo of him in a bit
when you can- I want to see how he looks after he has been with his
new Mama for a few weeks."


Things we may not know about the child:
Their given name
Their true birthdate
Their family history
Their own history- who adored them, what they called him or her, if anyone mistreated them
Many of their "firsts"
Their true age
The things and people they liked- foods, songs, people who comforted when they were sad

That being said we hope to gather as much information as we can- and take a lot of pictures of the country and the people. We plan on bringing back items that the child can have from their country. We want to try and fill in some of the blank pages of their story for them as they grow.

We have three baby photos of our kids on the wall leading up the stairs. Being a new homeowner-it was the first thing I did- hang those pictures- kind of claiming this house as our own. Our social worker who did our homestudy noticed the photos- and I pointed out that Maddie's photo is the youngest- she was 4 months old when we got to the photographer, Cal is older- he was 9 or 10 months old and Phoebe is the oldest about a year. So with each child the amount of time before getting to the photographer became longer...I pointed out to the social worker- if we get a toddler then his or her picture will be right on track! I say this but know - that the child may be a bit sad that there are no true "baby" pictures of him or her. But maybe Cal and Maddie can point out how much they make fun of their photos because they think they look kind of funny!

The Barr's

The Barr Family on Christmas Eve
Emily and Mark
Cal, Phoebe and Madeline

This was taken in our new church- which meets in the elementary school where Cal and Phoebe go.

The Process

So, I told Mark I have this Blog---where I have Blogged only once..he said, "you have a BLOG?" he thought that was funny. I am really inspired by this website I saw of a family who just got their referral of a 4 month old little boy- they are using our same agency and are at the same point in the process that we are. Their website is really fun. So I am going to try and be a better blogger (try and say that 5 times fast!).

The process for Mark and I probably really started before we were ever married. It is something we have always talked about- and of course after traveling to Romania and visiting the orphanage in Arad- I think I was sold - Mark was in the middle of Law school at that time and wasn't really even ready to talk about something that huge.Then we started talking about more children again and through a series of events ended up deciding to pursue an adoption from Ethiopia back in October. By my birthday, November 7th, I had interviewed the major agencies (there are 6 official agencies that help people adopt from Ethiopia) that I was interested in.

We started our homestudy in November. Our first meeting was in a starbucks of all places...our house isn't huge and the kids were home and it would have been difficult to talk there. The second meeting was in the library by our old house- the kids were there - but off reading a goofing around. Our third meeting was in a different library (are you seeing a trend?) and this is the one where she had to interview Mark and I separately. We envisioned some of the questions she might ask...of which she asked few to none of the ones we thought she would - she was easy on us. My favorite part is that she asked me "What is it about Mark that REALLY annoys you- that drives you crazy? what one thing????" I thought and anything that truly annoys me is so not worth mentioning (like I used to hate it when he left the shower curtain a certain way- in our new house we have a shower door- so problem solved!) So I said, "What's to annoy? He does so much for all of us that is hard to say." But my mind was then thinking- "Ohnowhatdidhesayaboutme!?!" (because I know that I am annoying...) So I asked him as soon as we got in the car...it was a very sunny day - typical of Denver, Colorado - so I moved my visor to the side so the sun wouldn't shine on me and he replied, "I said that I really hate it when you move your visor to the side." I said, "you mean like I just did?" He said, "yes- I had to say something- and that really annoys me."

Our final Homestudy visit was Saturday- this is the one where she comes to the house and interviews the kids. So we cleaned. And basically resigned ourselves to the fact that our house is what it is...half painted with three kids and a dog and a guinea pig---all of whom are messy and all of whom don't do a lot of cleaning up after themselves...the funniest part of this meeting was that Phoebe (6) was really nervous. She said, "What if she makes us do something we don't know how to do?" I said, "Like what?" she replied sadly, "Like jump rope.." Mark said something like, "Yes we will all have to demonstrate our fine jump roping skills to the Ethiopian Government". The reality is - it feels like that, with this Dossier, the paperwork is overwhelming and everything costs money and you need 50 copies of everything notarized and authenticated and kissed by the Pope.

I want to wrap up this post- but I wanted to say we did have our 2nd orientation call with our agency (CWA) on Tuesday in which we were warned that we could receive our referral at anytime. I know it won't happen until at least February because our case manager is in Ethiopia from now until the end of January...but February is soon enough...and it could be later. We are excited and waiting patiently for things like Mark's passport and approval from Immigration- both of which can take some time. But the homestudy visits are behind us.....until we bring our child home and do the post placement visits!

First post

Its late and I have just finished reading all of the latest posts on the Ethiopia adopt group. I vacillate between being excited and terrified and lately I have been more terrifed than excited....but slowly this image of this child is emerging from somewhere-its still very out of focus but its there...and as this child's face emerges...I find myself becoming more excited...more longing...more wanting this to happen...

And then more annoyed with some of the posts on the Ethiopian adopt yahoo group. On one hand its kind of "reality show entertaining" to read people's posts who go on and on (passionately I might add) about topics that just don't belong on that forum...but on the other hand I find myself skipping ahead to read about the woman who is anxiously awaiting her daughter's arrival...the one whose husband went to pick her up. She would write for weeks leading up to it, about how he was going and how she had to stay behind with thier other child...what should he pack...how much money should he bring..then he left and she would post about how they were communicating...and how she couldn't wait to see her daughter and hold her and then the days became hours and she was posting "They will be home in 3 and 1/2 hours.." Then finally...a simple and peaceful post- that was so different from some of the earlier more frantic and questioning posts..."she came home an hour ago and is sleeping calmly in her bed...its like she was always here." That about did me in. To watch that process over the past few months. And it made me think that we will be there...and that is a good thing.