Birthday's Not Celebrated, Birthday's Celebrated

Traditionally birthdays are not celebrated in many parts of Ethiopia. They are not even remembered. When I was there I met Hanna at the Addis Kiddan Guest House and I was asking her about this and she said that in fact, what I had heard was true, they do not celebrate them. When I asked her how old she was she said she did not know- she just always says 28. And she was serious, not like here where we would like to forget. It would be easy to forget how old you were if you never really had to keep track of that.

We still have to think when people ask us how old Michael is- I mean I finally think I have it down now that he turned 6. I feel like I can say "Six." more and more without explaining that he if probably really 7. And its really bad when poeple ask what are the birthdays of our two youngest because we always have to think and remember what it says on the official paperwork and what we have decided on our own and what we have heard from the birth family. What is amazing- at least with the infants- if CWA (Christian World Adoption) would just ask the person who brought the child a simple list of intake questions- they would get a fairly exact birthday- these women remember when they birthed their babies, "It was the second Sunday after the Ethiopian New Year. I remember it was a Sunday because we had gone to Market the day before." They KNOW. Or "How old is the child?" the grandfather replies, "He was five when we brought him to CWA." If they KNOW this then why does the child suddenly become this child without a story- with no history, with an age being guessed after a 5 minute visit with a doctor? Even the nannies at CWA felt that Michael was older than 3...why not at least listen to them? He was very very small- wearing 18 month old clothes- clothes that no longer fit our 2 1/2 year old baby boy- so I can see why a child who was probably deathly silent at the doctors would be called 3...but once around him for 24 hours the staff at the Addis Kiddan Guest House KNEW he was older just by having conversations with him and watching him play. So here are some pictures from two years ago when we went and met Michael and Yabsera- I tried to pick ones that showed you how really small this kid was....

Here is Michael at the Addis Kiddan Guest House with a Soccer ball we bought from the guy down the street for a buck. We gave it to Ahope when we left. See how he compares with the size of a smallish soccer ball?
Here he is eating at the Ghion- it was amazing to watch this kid eat! He would put so much food away and then at the end he would tear the napkin into strips so he could share the one napkin with you- he would then mash up the food for you and try to get you to eat it- it was clearly what he saw the older people in his life do. Note that he is standing at one of those low ET tables.
Here he is at the lake...um...which lake guys? I can't remember- the one with the "resorts" at it...
Here he is playing with the sprinkler in the yard at the guest house...the shorts were 2T sized and he was swimming in them.
Here is Michael Maren's birth grandfather. A farmer from a remote village in South West Ethiopia- arguable one of the poorest areas of one of the worlds poorest countries. Why was Michael so darned small for his age? He had very little food. He could hardly walk when he came to CWA. They commented on this when they talked about him- that they let him go because he was "So smart" they knew he would be ok- and they mentioned that he was often "angry" because he stomach hurt...why did his stomach hurt? "He was hungry all the time." This is his house. He is proud of it- because its so big. They are holding his photo album- and they are proud of him for doing something so darn difficult.
These are the people who cared for Michael when he was sick, and hungry, and very very small- all waving to him and in the video clip they are singing to him. Its beautiful. But notice the child with the orange hair- indicating severe malnutrition. It breaks my heart to feel so far away from his roots and not be able to do much to help them directly. I just love the joy on their faces- can you see it? There is real joy here even in this difficult state.

So- fast forward to two years later- Michael is turning 6- in America time- in the Ethiopian world he is 7...on paper he is 5! (Are you starting to understand the confusion? We Americans really like dates and birthdays a whole lot...) So here is the Ethiopian born American little boy on his 6th birthday. "Michael what would you like to do its your birthday?" "I know! I have a GREAT idea! Lets put blankets on the porch and all eat outside!" "Ok, good idea- but what would you like to eat? Its your birthday meal?" "Macaroni and Cheese!" It was by far the easiest birthday ever. He would have been happy to get one small toy car quite honestly.
He set it all up himself and told us all where to sit. And it occurred to me that - back in the village somewhere in South West Ethiopia, this was how his birth family would be sharing a meal. Sitting on the ground together in song.

And notice how he sits in this photo and then look back at the one with the soccer ball from two years ago- same kid- sitting the exact same way...but that child was sacred and angry (he has told us that many times- how angry he was because he was so scared the whole time he was with CWA and when we came to bring him home) and this child- this 6 year old- has joy.

Many candles...one wish...to go back to Ethiopia and see everyone!

....and Yabsera...he just wants his cake....now....please??????

The Other 5,999,268

The New York Times Article on Ethiopian Adoption

In the article they point out how fast adoptions in Ethiopia have grown over the past few years and cite the pitfalls of growing too rapidly, including bringing up a scenario with the agency we used CWA (Christian World Adoption). In the article they speculate that the mix up of three babies was a mistake that could happen when an agency grows too fast. What is not pointed out is that, I believe we all recognize there is human error involved, but it's how the agency chose to handle it after the mistake had been made where I find fault. How they dealt with it and how they are dealing with it is where there is room for improvement.

I also found myself saddened to read that Ethiopia is one of the few countries who not only encourages but asks that you meet the birth family and learn from them for the child you are bringing home. Its very progressive and its what we know to be a good thing for adopted children. They need to have the story and see pictures. This helps when you have been plucked from the only place and people you know and brought half way around the world to a place where there are new smells, strange food, funny sounds, and a different language. It helps to know you were loved in Ethiopia and these are the people who loved you.

I am sad because CWA did not allow, encourage or help us meet any birth family. In fact the one thing that we hoped to have was the ability to meet our kids in the care center where they spent the last 6 months of their lives. Talk with the nannies, take pictures of them with their friends...how nice it would have been to come home and when Maren was so sad and grieving to pull out an album with his friends in it so he could look at them and talk about them?

That was the part of the article that made me sad. So choose your agency wisely. We went into it being told one thing and ended up with something else.

Bottom line- I am so glad that people everywhere are adopting from Ethiopia- with nearly 6 million orphans - the 732 kids brought to the US last year (2 of whom are my Maren and Yabsera)- are just a drop in the bucket. So much more needs to be done. Adoption is a bandaid really.

Its a wonderful thing for 732 kids and the families it affects on both sides... but its not the only answer...what about the other 5,999,268?

"Freedom" is just another word for "nothing left to loose"

CWA, Christian World Adoption, in their infinite wisdom did me the service of cutting me off. I can no longer post on their web board and they have erased any posts I did write...so anything about HIV testing, medical information, travel information, information about the Guest House where we stayed - all gone. I guess I was being a subversive. Some would call it "Christ Like" (But I wouldn't go that far). Below is what they posted recently about meeting birth families after only the third family traveled to Sodo and actually met two of their three adopted children's birth families. I guess this caused a firestorm on the CWA web board of people talking about the pros and cons of meeting their child's birth families.
Seems easy. Let's see folks:

Cons: Its hard, they might ask you for money and you have to say no, birth family might be emotional, you might be emotional, child might be emotional (but all of that is ok, right?...I mean its sad right?)

Pros: The child will desire this information. Your child WILL want to see a photo, he will want to hear any tidbit of info you can give him about where he came from, that is a guarantee. Ask anyone. Read it in any adoption book. Its the ABC's of Adoption.

A: Adopt the child into your heart and make him your own
B: Bring their story with you from their birth family to your family
C: Connect the dots for your child so he doesn't feel unending gaping bottomless pit of sadness as he grows and wonders about where he came from.

They (CWA) wrote this email out, right after they wrote an email saying that families could travel to the orphanages from where their kids came from. But then a family did it and now more families want to do this, so they wrote this email- I have cut the top part off about the laws of orphanages in Ethiopia and am just including the part where they want to discourage people from actually traveling to the regions where their children are from and from seeking out any remaining birth families:

"Here are some things to consider if you choose to pursue meeting your child's biological family:

1. These are closed adoptions. CWA and CWAE are not able to facilitate family meetings, contact biological families, make travel or lodging arrangements. What? Closed? I thought the Ethiopian Government encouraged families to meet their child's birth family? See Revised Family Code Article 183 from the Ethiopian Government.

2. Giving a biological family contact information may give other biological families the impression that ALL adoptive families will give them their contact information. Not every family is willing to do this. Duh.


3. The biological family may go to the orphanage that placed their child and see post adoption report photos and hear a summary of the report, but neither CWA, CWAE, nor the orphanage will share contact adoptive family contact information. Does the birth family know they can do this? And what about the time when the birth family actually did get the contact information and contacted the family in the USA and asked them for money? OOPS!

4. Giving a biological family money can be construed as child buying and this could cause legal problems for the orphanage and CWA/CWAE. Duh. No one is doing this. Only two families have even met birth family and they did not do this. Interesting that the CWAE staff might have been construed as encouraging it though. Also interesting that CWA has hired birth mothers (two to be exact- that we know of).

5. Giving a child's biological family money may give other children's biological families the impression that ALL adoptive families will give them money. Not every family is willing to do this. See above. You already said this.

6. Orphanages don't have family counseling resources for biological families.
Why not? Seems that since it costs hardly anything to employ someone in Ethiopia, and we all know they need the jobs, that providing a staff member who is dedicated to provide grief counseling for the families who are now grieving the loss of their children should be very high up on your list of priorities. Just one of your many Business class tickets to Ethiopia should cover the cost of several Ethiopian Staff. You could have several people dedicated to this type of counseling. How about counseling birth families before they make their decision to find out if its in the child's best interest to be posted on the "waiting children website" that seems like it should be at the top of the list of things to do. You have the money...so do it. Do the right thing.


We all understand the love you have for your child or children and your desires to know more about them. Our goal is to educate you and help you to make wise decisions. Thank you for your time, your understanding and your willingness to try to understand and respect the country and people of Ethiopia." And thank you for respecting the children you are placing for adoption and the families who gave birth to them. It's simple.

and thank God for HB Whipple.....

"All we want in Christ, we shall find in Christ. If we want little, we shall find little. If we want much, we shall find much; but if, in utter helplessness, we cast our all on Christ, He will be to us the whole treasury of God."

-- Henry Benjamin Whipple