Family

My dear Aunt Renee (pronounced ree-nee) died this past month. She was my mother's sister and the mother of 3 of my favorite cousins. We gave Caelan his middle name "Joseph" after my Uncle Joe, Renee's sweet husband who had died before Cal was born. So now these cousins are "orphans". We all went home to upstate NY for the funeral and to see our cousins. Here are Aunt Renee, Uncle Joe and their first born son Kurt. My mother blogged about this here.

Fortunately we were all together last summer for my mother's birthday. It was a beautiful summer afternoon - and I think now we only wish it was longer. While at home for that very brief period I was able to spend a little bit of time with my own nieces and nephews...all who have grown so much since the last time I saw them- it was a bit disorienting!

Here is Phil at his computer- working on a paper- he graduated this year...

And Nick, who is a freshman in High School and was a 4 month olf baby at Madeline's birth!

I do not have picture of my Carolyn, the oldest grandchild, from this visit- so I am inserting one of her from 2 years ago- when we brought M and Y home. Here she is with baby Yabsera.Now back to March 2008...
We have Alex who is one month younger than my Phoebe- in 3rd grade- but a whole head taller than Phoebe...and Andre...another tall young boy...he is 13.
About a week later I went into NYC to see the rest. It just so happened that my brother Gordy was in town the same weekend - so there we were all 4 "kids" together within 2 weeks. We were celebrating many things and it was good to be together again. Below is our little Lu... with her Elmo in the park.

Here is my sister Jill with Cooper...about to be a big brother again later this year...the oldest grandchild and the youngest will be 20 years apart.
My brother Gordy with my mom on the day we left.
Three of four "kids"...one last picture....

And I came home to my family...my 5 kids and incredible husband....

Where I began

Early April will always conjure up a fair amount of grief in me. It was early April in 1991 when, within one week, I lost two people in my life. The first was my husband's father. An amazing man, whom I never got to really know in the way I would have liked, because I was so young myself when he was diagnosed with ALS and died. But I have these 5 kids who will never have a relationship with their grandfather, never know him, never be able to share their stores with him...and this makes me sad. And my Tina...I only knew her for less than a year- but her life and her death and her family forever changed me. I met her when I decided to "volunteer" for a year after college and ended up at Starcross Community.

This year (1991) was arguably one of the toughest and most challenging times in my life, and also one of the most beautiful and precious. I can compare it to the early times with all of my children- a time where there is very real fatigue, intense emotions and the giving over to someone else's will. This giving over that happens as a parent is really, in my opinion, a process that seems to take a life time for some and a moment for others. But at the end of the day, it is what its all about.

11 “But the greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

Because of Tina, and Julie and Marti and Toby and David and Nicky and Michelle and Holly - I am who I am today. Because of all of them, there are children without parents, with a chronic disease, with HIV, which still carries such stigma, coming home to mamas and daddys who will adore them. How one small child can change the face of generations is beyond me. And I cannot take credit for what is well beyond me.

This is a thank you to the families who are following their hearts all over the world to bring home children with HIV. You are affecting generations upon generations with your love.

our eyes once watered....

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."
- Tom Stoppard

My friend and I were reading old emails written exactly two years ago. My life two years ago was in many ways not so different from my life now. I wrote to her that I felt like March had been one of the longest months in my life- how I had received my referral of two boys on March 1st and during that month had to have several painful discussions with family members, find the last payment due for the adoption, wait on 171h status, along with a slew of other stresses both job related and life related...what is not different? The amount of stress and fatigue I feel right now. It feels like more because its right now...but when I read those 2 year old emails- I certainly sound like I am not having an easy time of it.

Two years ago I found that quote and it felt so pertinent then and even more so now. And at that time I was arguing that you can't possibly burn every bridge in your life to a pulp- you must maintain those bridges that are not only worth maintaining, but your very life, your emotional well being, depends on it.

I love the quote. I especially love how when it talks about this thing in the past. How it refers to the pain as something that must have been so bad we presume that we were wrecked over it. On one hand it is sort of like we are saying, "Wow that was a really tough time, It must have been so hard...but I can't quite remember how difficult it really was." And on the other hand it says, "That time in your life must have been so very horrible that I can only presume that you must have been a real wreck." There is an assumption of very real grief.

...and as my friend pointed out today, "... It is so amazing to see how much we've come through, and how well we've weathered so much of what was total overload at the time we wrote all this! I agree, our eyes must have watered."

I replied, "I would presume so..."

CWA Christians With Attitude

Today CWA (Christian World Adoption) sent an invite out to a picnic they are having. One of my CWA friends sent it to our group and said we should all go- and tell them that all our kids are 3 and under- since kids 3 and under were free. We decided that since CWA got away with lying to many of us as well as both the US and Ethiopian Government's about the ages of so many of our children for their own purposes- we should be able to "adjust" their ages for our purposes as well. We thought we might go wearing our CWA shirts...we have them with a wide variety of slogans...what does your shirt say?

Mine says, "CWA: Got Truth?"

Cal got in!

I have been bugged about my lack of blogging but never bugged about blogging like this bugging to find out if Cal was accepted to the Arts school...he was! He is so happy...here is a photo of him and about how tall he feels...So thanks for all of the kind words about Cal's first film...I noticed he has made a few more...which could use some work! :)

These were taken on presidents day- when we met Mark in the park for lunch.



See how much my Maren has grown?

The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats Adapted by Cal Barr

The Snowy Day - Cal's "2 minute movie" for his audition to Middle school

If you would like to see the blog by the photographer who took the photo of the "Melting Sun" please check it out. Cal needed a good photo for the dream sequence where Peter is dreaming that the sun has melted all the snow away and found this perfect photograph. here is how it looks in the book:

Malawi

ok- so its my birthday today- It started at 2:00 am with a wake up call and then about 2 minutes later I answered the phone and it was a lovely voice singing happy birthday to me- it was my good friend Joan. she is the study coordinator, research nurse in Cape Town- I first met her in 2002. I have now worked with her for 5 years and we have taught together in cape town south Africa twice, Washington DC, Durban South Africa, and earlier this week in Uganda- we are currently en route to Zambia where we will teach together again. We have developed a relationship over time as we do roughly the same job on different continents- only she does so much more than I ever could as far as studies go. She has 400 patients on the TB study we first started working on back in 2002, whereas I get a bit stressed if I have 8 patients on a meningitis vaccine trial! She also has 4 kids and works full time. She is an amazing woman and freind. So...back to my birthday- in order to get to Zambia from Kampala, Uganda- you have to wake at 2:00 AM, drive 45 minutes to Entebbe, Uganda, wait in a very slow line to check into the plane. they had no computer so the attendant had a scratch piece of paper where she had hand written all the seats- you ask for a seat (an aisle) and she looks at her scratch paper and crosses off your seat (taken). you then fly to Nairobi kenya- you must wait in several lines prior to getting on the plane ( at this point since 2 am I have waited in 6 lines) then you are on the flight to Lusaka...however- there is one stop before you get to Lusaka...Lilongwe, Malawi. So any of you who know me well know I have wanted to go to Malawi for a long time. Mark’s father was born there and he has family still there-here is one project they created: http://www.kindleorphanoutreach.org/index.html

So here we are on the runway in Lilongwe Malawi - its my birthday and I cant get out of the plane (will post picture from window!) So, the irony in this trip is that there are two places in Africa I would very much like to visit- Malawi and Ethiopia- I will spend time in each country but only from the plane or the airport. So, Joan just walked across the acr and gave me some Amarula for my birthday. She remembers that I always bought this while in South Africa so she got me some on the plane (Duty free!)

So..I wanted to blog about this- me being in Malawi- while I was actually in Malawi from the plane...because at least i can say I have been to Malawi- on my 39th birthday. On to Lusaka. To sleep maybe?

Uganda

I am in Uganda- we are training a site to implement a study that will look at two HIv treatment regimens in children from 6 months to 3 years old. Its been an amazing 2 days as you can imagine. I have not seen much of Uganda having been in Kampala only and since I have been teaching the whole time- but what I have seen is beautiful. The more I see of this continent the more I WANT to see. I leave in a few hours for zambia and will fly out through the countries of my baby boys birth, Ethiopia. I was not able to stay on there unfortunately but will be back.

I was able to see some of the pediatric clinics here in kampala as well as the pediatric ward - or hospital. the clinic space that is funded by the research studies is really pretty nice compared to some paces I have seen in other places- but the ward was overcrowded with antiquated tools and low staffed- everyone was so friendly and incredibly bright! But the nurses make so little they cant afford to work there and so the care is not what it should be. I saw children suffering and parents by their sides in most cases...who were also suffering because it is so hard to have a child who is sick. Anyone who has taken their child to the emergency room or has had their child hospitalized knows this. its heart wrenching when there is only so much you can do. the children were so beautiful- I can't even begin to describe them.

what I found so interesting was that while walking through the medical complex there was a place for Johns Hopkins and a new clinic being built by Baylor and an oncology clinic funded by another entity and so many many different places funded by NGOs, research institutions, educational institutions and governements...its seemed so incongruous. And the word of the day was "Sustainability" the example was a lab machine donated for Tcells and they said the funds to run it would only last 3 years and then what? these patients do not have money to sustain the machine or ability to obtain the materials to run the assays long term...an incredible lab funded by Pfizer- for 3 years - and then what...I was saying how amazing it would be to have a new pediatric ward and they were saying- yes but how will we keep it staffed without any nurses since they are so underpaid they leave the country to fill spaces in south Africa to fill the spaces by those nurses who have gone to Saudi Arabia...and then it came up how our dear president is using Ugandan Soldiers to fight our war in Iraq. It was all a bit incredulous and then you thought about the faces of the children and the mothers. Photos I cannot post here due to privacy. i will post what I can when i return to the O.S. Next stop Zambia...same 2 day training.

Proof we are Sox fans...

Here is Cal for Halloween in 2004...classic Damon....Cal was 7 when he first saw the Sox win the series...now we have many more Sox fans...and one Matt Holiday Fan (see Dorothy...)


yes and as Jennifer said- when Maddie was two she had the Red Sox Line up memorized...:)

Red Sox Play the World Series in Our Back Yard!

Red Sox 11 Indians 2 game 7 at Fenway....

My 100th Post

Well you can see that when I got to my post back on June 28th...I kind of just stopped. Partly because I was afraid of coming up with 100 things about me...and partly because I had heard yet a few more things that the agency we used to bring our boys home had done. And these were the worst. Pretty much the king of the bad things you can hear about an agency. And what I wanted to do was come on here and just go off...and we all know I am capable of speaking my mind...but instead I focused on the summer, trying to sell the house, helping to plan my mom's 70th birthday party, a long anticipated camping trip to Yellowstone where we would hang out with some of my closest friends from CWA, and continue to work very hard at the clinic here in Denver. So, I owe you all some pictures from the summer...but I also owe you the list....and later we can talk about the ethical practices of ethiopian adoptions...

100 things about me:
1. I have 5 kids
2. I gave birth at home to two of my 5 kids
3. I was taken to the hospital just minutes before my Cal was born
4. My youngest two boys were born in Ethiopia and came home in June 2006
5. I have witnessed open heart surgery on a 2 year old. I saw her heart beating, then stopped while on bypass and then restarted
6. A year later my 2 1/2 year old had open heart surgery - I could picture the whole thing in my head while I waited in the waiting room, having just seen it done year earlier.
7. I am a Midwife and I have caught 40 babies and helped over a hundred moms labor and birth their children
8. I used to love being on stage
9. Now I would hate it
10. I met my husband in High School – we were in the play Cyrano De Bergerac.
11. We became close friends- but I told him (or warned him) that I would marry him one day
12. I really like beanie babies. And it’s my mom’s fault.
13. I love cappuccino chip ice cream
14. I have a beagle
15. We used to have a guinea pig and he died when we came home from Ethiopia. He was on the porch too long. And he was also very old.
16. I love Sunrye Ale. It only comes out in the summer.
17. I started my undergraduate education at The College of the Holy Cross. I was premed. I wanted to be an Obstetrician.
18. I took Russian in college
19. But learned French in middle and high school
20. I spent a summer in France. It was the summer Geraldine Ferraro was running for Vice president. I remember having political discussions in French with my host father.
21. I finished my undergraduate degree at Cornell University.
22. I got a degree in Communications
23. I spent a year and a half in California after graduation
24. I lived in San Francisco
25. We got our dog, Egg, there. (I loved him)
26. I love Pepsi
27. I decided to be a Nurse Practitioner after I left California.
28. I wanted to work with Kids with HIV and this seemed to be the best way to do it.
29. But I still wanted to deliver babies.
30. Mark and I were married when I was 23 and he was 25.
31. We had known each other for 8 years.
32. But had dated for only about 3.
33. We had Maddie in an old farmhouse in the fingerlakes in upstate New York.
34. I was 24.
35. We then moved to Connecticut where I went to the Yale School of Nursing and became a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in kids and families with HIV.
36. I love my mother-in-law’s chocolate chip cookies- there is nothing like them in the world.
37. I hate driving. Really hate it.
38. I love watching TV.
39. I don’t have a new favorite fall TV show yet…its very disappointing.
40. I can’t wait for LOST to start again.
41. I went online after the episode where Walt is appearing dripping wet to find out what he was saying. He was talking Backwards. Its really creepy. When I listened to it it was very late and I got really scared. You can listen here: Walt talking Backwards
42. I have been watching survivor since season 1.
43. I met my favorite Survivor- Jeff from Survivor Australia- we took a picture together and I made fun of him because of the million dollar bite of peanut butter.
44. I could write 100 things about Emily and TV- easily. (maybe another post?)
45. I have 2 brothers and one sister.
46. One brother lives in NY and the other in LA.
47. I have 4 nephews and 3 nieces. They are all amazing.
48. My dad lives near us.
49. My mom lives far away.
50. I want a puppy. (Mark says I am crazy)
51. All three of my birth children have a midline defect.
52. Maddie had a heart defect
53. Cal has two uvulas
54. Phoebe had ear tags
55. My Ethiopian born baby had an extra finger
56. My Ethiopian born boy has many scars. I have never counted them- because I think it would be depressing to know the number.
57. I asked CWA if the kids had any scars or unusual features. They said no. 11 fingers is really fairly common in Southern Ethiopia. So its not unusual for them. I guess neither are the scars.
58. I have never had surgery.
59. I have never spent the night in a hospital.
60. Cal was born at 12:35 and I went home first thing in the morning – so I don’t count that.
61. I am a Red Sox fan.
62. I love Halloween.
63. I grew up in upstate NY
64. One of my favorite regions is New England- camping on Cape Cod, going to Tanglewood, enjoying Northhampton, watching the Red Sox at Fenway.
65. I marched in China in the spring of 1989 – on Tianemen Square. A week after I came home was the massacre. It was amazing.
66. I have been to film festivals in Hong Kong, New York, Telluride, Sundance, High Falls, Ithaca, San Francisco and Denver.
67. Did I already say how much I Love DOTS?
68. and gummy bears?
69. and Doritoes?
70. I broke my foot in college
71. I draw blood several times a week on kids and adults with HIV. I am not bad at it. Pretty good actually!
72. I have had to give people very bad news
73. and very good news
74. and I have been able to help people through both.
75. I am a Christian and have been since I was a little girl
76. We home schooled until we moved to Colorado
77. Now I have 5 kids at 4 different schools
78. My favorite Broadway show was “True West”
79. I saw “On Golden Pond” 15 times in the theatre. Sometimes I saw it twice in a row.
80. I love the movie “Once Around”
81. I have many favorite movies- you can find some of them on my “profile”. Have you ever seen “A Room With a View”?
82. I stitched up a guys hand my first night in Romania where I was for a mission trip.
83. Before that I had only stitched up women after childbirth. (and not many of those)
84. I fell in love with a little girl in an orphanage in Romania. I still pray for her and think about her.
85. In the year that I was 21 and 22 I experienced more about life and death than in most other years of my life combined.
86. I also learned how to milk cows that year.
87. If I had not miscarried my babies in the fall of 2005 I might not have my Maren and Yasbera right now.
88. Their court date fell on the due date of the babies I lost. It was God’s way of saying, “This is right.”
89. I still miss those babies.
90. I love watching Madeline act.
91. I love watching Cal play ball
92. I love watching Phoebe play by herself in the yard
93. I love watching Michael in the rear view mirror when he is singing in a language he no longer understands
94. I love watching Yabsera play at school in the few moments before he knows I am there and drops everything to yell, “MAMA!” and come running to hug me.
95. I love watching my husband do just about everything.
96. I can’t take my eyes off of him sometimes
97. I love my Mom, Dad, Sister, brothers, mother-in-law, Sister and Brother in laws, nieces and nephews more than anything in the world. Its best watching them laugh.
98. My sister is one of God’s greatest gifts to me
99. Cal not having any homework this year because his teacher doesn’t believe in it is another one of God’s greatest gifts to me
100. I am so blessed to be able to do what I do- its the greatest gift after my family.

What a year can make

This photo of Maren was taken in September of 2006 when he had been home in Colorado about 3 months.
This photo was taken of Maren about a year later. He has lost his two front teeth so I was taking pictures and then tonight I looked at the picture (taken about a month ago) and remembered this older "matching" picture (above).
I am amazed when I see pictures of him while he was still in Ethiopia or when he first came home. One thing I notice now but did not back then is how his body was somewhat out of proportion. His tiny legs and arms in comparison to his head and chest. It makes sense when you realize the deprivation he suffered. He remembers only eating potatoes and popcorn with his Uncle (Or grandpa or dad- who knows who the man was who cared for him before coming to CWA's care center in Sodo). But look at how he has grown. According to CWA records he is now just 4. But we are calling him 5 1/2 and we think he is closer to 7. But he fits very well in kindergarten, both with size and development. And Lord knows when he is nearly 40 he will be happy to be a younger age than he might really be! he really likes being 5! Note the length of his legs one year ago are about the length of just his calves now. The pants he was wearing a year ago - his 2 year old brother is now wearing!

I know what I know...

One Season Wonders

As I watched the final episode of my favorite new show of this TV season, "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" the other night, I was feeling- once again robbed of a great television show. I feel like someone out there who has a lot of control took away a show with great actors and amazing writers and yet they let another season of something lame with Donald Trump as the lead get renewed. Studio 60 was well done, interesting, funny and smart. You couldn't wait for the next show. My only consolation is that they let the final episodes air rather then shelving them. So as the summer reruns began, we had something to look forward to on Thursday nights. And it ended in a multipart season ending story. Well done. But it got me thinking of other great shows- shows that deserved a second chance, a second season, a better time slot. Here is a list of my all time favorite one season wonders. I have added a couple of two season wonders in for good measure- as well as a couple of my husbands favorites. Here they are in no particular order....

Freaks & Geeks 1999 Who couldn't love this show which takes place during the 1980's. This is the same time I was in middle and high school and I remember the "freaks" and the "geeks". There were a lot of cultural references to the 80's but the themes were valid today...only now we have "Emos" and "Preps" or something like that! Plus it had the great John Francis Daley as Sam.

Homefront 1991-1993 3 seasons Ok- this had three seasons. But I loved it- I think I should probably do a new post with three season shows I loved...and then 4 season shows I loved...I think I see a trend. Anyway, this show was about a small American town right after WWII ends and all of the relationships that are changed due to the war and how the war affects the whole town. Notably, the whole reason I adored the show was because I had a small crush on one of the lead actors, a young Kyle Chandler, who you would later see in that "Cat see into the future after reading the newspaper" show "Early Edition", and more recently, the new hit show "Friday Night Lights." And if you watch Grey's Anatomy- you might remember him as the Bomb Squad guy who was killed after Meredith did whatever dramatic thing she did when she did not die...man she has almost died a lot. In fact, he came back this season in her "near death experience scene."

My So-Called Life 1994 Here you got to see a young Claire Danes and she breaks into her career. This was a well done show- but I do remember that it was pretty depressing. I was a new mom then and thinking, "Why is she so bummed out all the time? She has her whole life ahead of her."

Jack and Bobby 2004 I LOVED this show. I was so sad when it was canceled. The premise was that these were two brothers, Jack (older) and Bobby (younger) are growing up and one of them will become president. The show flips back and forth from the present day "future" where its clearly a documentary on the life of a president who has been assassinated. You spend the whole show trying to figure out which kid becomes president. Once they knew they were being canceled, they made a long season finale that wrapped everything up nice and neat in hopes of one day selling a DVD boxset of the one and only season. I don't think they made the DVD.

Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) I actually never saw this show- but it was on everyone's top ten lists and since I LOVE Andy Richter- I am certain I would have loved it.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip 2006 This is the show by the creators of West Wing which inspired this blog post. This post which has nothing to do with Adoption, Ethiopia, or HIV. I am going to have to create a whole new tagline for "Entertainment". Which by the way is a great thing to have at the end of a long day involving the above three things. I loved this series. I love the actors in it- I love seeing Mathew Perry doing his "Non- Chandler" acting- which he does VERY well. And I also enjoy watching him as Chandler for the record.

The Comeback 2005 OK. I watched this show last summer when I had first brought the boys home from Ethiopia. It was a hard summer, but one of the things I looked forward to was watching this show. It is so darn funny. Its one of those shows where you are watching the main character and just cringing. In one scene I am laughing so hard- side splitting, really- and then you see Lisa Kudrow's Character doing something and you are sitting there crying- you are literally laughing and crying at the same time. Its Brilliant! Someone on the IMDB said that its much smarter than Sex and the City- another HBO show- and its really true. It works like "The Office" because its a dramatized reality show. Beautiful.

Gidget 1965 This show was on MTV when MTV was a baby. I was about 13 or 14 then and LOVED the show. I named my cat Gidget- because back then when you loved a show you named your pets after it...now we just name our children after Television...Phoebe.

The Mole 2001 I liked this reality show a lot- it was really funny and I enjoyed always trying to figure out who the Mole was. I never knew- they were very good at hiding the fact that they were the mole. When it was down to the last 3 people, it was so intense- the idea that there are 3 of you- and one of you is lying to your face. It is a lot like the real world, really- there are always moles out there...right guys? It's what keeps you on your toes. Plus I like Anderson Cooper, and he now does all that newsy stuff on CNN!

Sports Night 1998-2000 2 seasons OK! Who out there saw this show and can't say it was one of the best shows ever on TV??? I know it lasted one season longer than most on this list- but it was an amazing funny and brilliant show with an incredible cast. Is this one on DVD? If it is..run, don't walk, to your nearest video store and grab it. But you will be as sad as me when the second season ends and there are no more....

The Honeymooners 1955 'Nuff said.

Ned and Stacy 1995 2 seasons I enjoyed this show...it had Debra Messing before Will and Grace and Thomas Hayden Church from Wings. It was funny. I liked the cast a lot and it left after two seasons...of course Will and Grace came along and the rest is history.

The Bonnie Hunt Show 1995 This show was on for one season- it was funny- Bonnie Hunt is so talented...but then she came back with a new show, "Life with Bonnie" which aired for 2 seasons..they were basically the same story idea and some of the same characters. Well done. Bonnie Hunt is amazing.

The Monkees 1966 2 seasons The Monkees, Like Gidget, was on when I was a teenager. I remember trying to tape every episode on VCR and somewhere in my mothers basement is an old box of VHS tapes with Monkees episodes. This was the perfect show for my teenage brain. Clever and funny and predictable. Same plot line every show, but you wanted it that way. And I loved the music!

Do you have any One Season Wonders to add to my list???

7 things about me

Since I have not posted a picture in while here is Maren and Yabsera watching "Spirited Away". Completely entranced.....




I have been tagged by Laura to list 7 random things about me...but since my 100th post is coming up soon...I am going to list 7 things about me and the life of HIV. But first a photo of Yabsera Rock climbing in the Rockies...

My 7 things.....

1) I accompanied my friend for an HIV test in 1990. That was my first time coming that close to this disease. He tested negative, but tested positive about 8 years later and is now living with HIV.



2) I held my first baby who was HIV exposed in the fall of 1990. She was drooling on my shoulder and I wondered if I could get HIV from being drooled on. I had taken a job caring for kids with HIV and yet I had no idea what that meant or how you got the disease. There was no internet to do research. That night I found out that you do not get HIV from being drooled on. That baby ended up being uninfected. Her birthmother has long since passed away.



3) I first fell in love with children that were not my own in the fall of 1990. 3 of them had HIV and two of them did not. I loved these kids like they were my own and it was the first time I really knew that I would probably one day adopt a child.



4) I watched my first child with HIV die in the spring of 1991. I held her at night and we sang and rocked. She was in a great deal of pain. I blogged about here here.

5) I said my first goodbyes to the children I had really grown to love and cherish in the summer of 1991. My first of many heartbreaks over saying goodbye to a child. One of the children with HIV died a few years ago at age 18, and the other child who is now in her 20's is still alive and doing well. The two uninfected children are also all grown up and doing well.

6) I met my first "Buddy" with HIV in the fall of 1992. Her name was Veronica and she was 21 and the mother of two girls. Neither girl was HIV infected. I spent 4 years getting to know this young woman. We were almost the same age, both from Upstate New York, both children of the 70's and teenagers of the 80's...we had a lot in common. She died in the spring of 1996 of complications related to HIV disease. I made her a quilt piece that is now part of the AIDS Quilt.

7) I started caring for families with HIV, as a medical professional, in 1996 when the new HIV Drug Cocktail, including Protease Inhibitors, came out. This is the magic year when the new drugs were available that would change the face of HIV in the Western World. If Veronica had lived a few more months, she might be alive today and if Tina was born in 1996 she not only would be alive today- she would probably not have been born with HIV at all. No other disease, in the history of diseases, has made this type of progress this quickly. Six years was the difference for Tina and Veronica, and its also the difference for all of those kids in Ethiopia who have a chance to access these life saving medications. Many of these kids are even being adopted here in the US and other countries. Not long ago international adoption of an HIV+ child was only rarely possible. Now I have gotten about 4 emails in the last month from families who are interested in adopting an HIV+ child.

And finally- Maren- falls asleep on the wood floor at my feet. I suppose even our wood floor is more comfortable than some of the places this kid slept while in Ethiopia.

The "Helen Keller" you have brought home

I was just emailing a friend of mine who was telling me about her daughter she just adopted who is about 7 or so. She was saying that she has these tantrums that are so visceral and almost animal like and it can be really hard on everyone. She can't even leave her with her older kids for fear that she might have one of these spin outs when she is not there. She says its getting better but its still so hard. I told her how normal it is and that it also gets better. It really does. And the families whose kids come home and don't do this- does not necessarily mean their children are better adjusted- they have different coping styles and who can say that child who never cries and yells for an hour or two without being consoled won't have major issues as they grow and process all of their losses and grief. Grief is ok and normal and healthy and letting them cry in a safe place is important and as their language skills get better they can talk to you and tell you how they feel. this is what I wrote to her about our experience:

The tantrums are completely normal- she has no other way to say how completely crazy she feels inside- how upset, sad, full of grief, confused she is- Maren actually talks about his tantrums now and says that he was scared and angry (his words). "Like an animal" describes it well and its why its like "Helen Keller". We also could not leave Maddie with Maren- we can now but only for easy, short times- you may remember the first time we tried it (we had been home 5 months) and we had eaten Ethiopian food with Melissa Faye Green and then went to the book signing- I think being around the Ethiopian kids and food might have set him off- we got a frantic call from Maddie- it was terrible she was just crying and sounded scared because Michael was really loosing it. Your daughter needs to get it out and when she can talk better it will help- just like having a toddler (terrible twos) who can't really talk yet so they throw themselves around and have fits. She will get better. I also have the people who comment on Maren's energy level and to me it doesn't seem like its abnormal or too high most times. He also does spend a lot of time just lying on the floor with his cars and playing quietly. But get him in a public or different situation I think he just can't process it as well- this makes sense - if he spent a lot of time alone (which he did) and also if he was never expected to act a certain way in social situations then all of these gatherings must just seem so odd and foreign, because they ARE. I think The Weavers Craft has a lot to say about toddlers- but I think the information is probably useful up to about age 8 or so with some of the behaviors she talks about. It will get better. I promise!

Help Stop Teenage Affluenza

I walked by and my 14 year old was watching this. It's perfect.

The Other 5,999,268

The New York Times Article on Ethiopian Adoption

In the article they point out how fast adoptions in Ethiopia have grown over the past few years and cite the pitfalls of growing too rapidly, including bringing up a scenario with the agency we used CWA (Christian World Adoption). In the article they speculate that the mix up of three babies was a mistake that could happen when an agency grows too fast. What is not pointed out is that, I believe we all recognize there is human error involved, but it's how the agency chose to handle it after the mistake had been made where I find fault. How they dealt with it and how they are dealing with it is where there is room for improvement.

I also found myself saddened to read that Ethiopia is one of the few countries who not only encourages but asks that you meet the birth family and learn from them for the child you are bringing home. Its very progressive and its what we know to be a good thing for adopted children. They need to have the story and see pictures. This helps when you have been plucked from the only place and people you know and brought half way around the world to a place where there are new smells, strange food, funny sounds, and a different language. It helps to know you were loved in Ethiopia and these are the people who loved you.

I am sad because CWA did not allow, encourage or help us meet any birth family. In fact the one thing that we hoped to have was the ability to meet our kids in the care center where they spent the last 6 months of their lives. Talk with the nannies, take pictures of them with their friends...how nice it would have been to come home and when Maren was so sad and grieving to pull out an album with his friends in it so he could look at them and talk about them?

That was the part of the article that made me sad. So choose your agency wisely. We went into it being told one thing and ended up with something else.

Bottom line- I am so glad that people everywhere are adopting from Ethiopia- with nearly 6 million orphans - the 732 kids brought to the US last year (2 of whom are my Maren and Yabsera)- are just a drop in the bucket. So much more needs to be done. Adoption is a bandaid really.

Its a wonderful thing for 732 kids and the families it affects on both sides... but its not the only answer...what about the other 5,999,268?

How Many Orphans in Ethiopia?

According to UNICEF:

The number of orphans in Ethiopia, Children (0-17 years) orphaned due to all causes, in 2005, is estimated at 4,800,000.

Many other sites bring this current number closer to 6 million, which makes sense because this is only a 2005 estimate.

So....

The US census bureau estimates that there are 4,514,342 children under 18 living in New York state as of last year. So, you can safely say that if you take every child under 18 who lives in all of New York State and remove their parents you have roughly the number of orphans they estimated there were in Ethiopia 2 years ago...if you go by the more current estimates then you would have to add the state of Massachusetts at 1,448,884 kids under the age of 18 in 2006 and we are still about 100,000 kids shy...so lets add the District of Columbia with an estimate of 114,881 kids-

So we would have to take all the kids under 18 in New York, Massachusetts and the District of Columbia - remove their parents and then you would have the number of children who are orphans in Ethiopia.

"When will the day come that our dignity will be fully restored, when the purpose of our lives will no longer be merely to survive until the sun rises tomorrow!"
-Thabo Mbeki

Just 10 posts away....

10 posts until I get to my 100th post- and you all know what that means- I have to list 100 things about me...I have 10 posts to make that happen...well...9 now....

Since one year ago today I was in Addis just getting to know my two little boys I leave you with a photo of them with me on the beach of lake...Langano- I think. Its amazing how much they have changed...and for posterity I am also adding one of my favorite photos of Cal- taken when he was about 7. So these are my boys- and they don't look like this any more (Yabsera is now wearing the clothes that Maren is wearing in this photo and the shoes are too small for Yabsera's giant feet!) - Maren, Yabsera and Caelan....bungy jumping