Big Day

So, it’s been a really big day for our family! I don't want to go into all of the details here but some wonderful things are happening for our extended family right now and it’s all very exciting and its funny when you have something huge going on and it suddenly seems like everything happening is really quite important. It’s the opposite of when something major occurs and it diminishes everything else in its path. This makes everything else seem significant and wonderful. Like the light is shining on our little neck of the woods so to speak. It’s all good.
On this road to adoption I decided to share our news with my boss- she is also a very dear friend of mine, but I had not shared it yet because there was so much going on at work and I wanted to feel like it was closer before talking about it at work. I had told only told two others at work. One, a good friend, whom I asked to write us a letter of recommendation and the other because she was close friends with one of the folks with our homestudy agency and I did not want her to find out through this other person. This coworker adopted from China several years ago and has been an enormous support to me over the years when I was asking all about international adoption and grilling her for her story and hearing about how her daughter is doing. So it was nice to share the news with her.

I am finding there are a few different types of responses. The first being the same kind of response you get when you tell people you are pregnant- this is the genuine "I am so happy for you” response. That is the one where you can really tell the person is genuinely excited and treats this the same as birthing the baby yourself. This is the rarest response. I have found I like it though. I like when people are THAT excited about it. The jump up and hug you response. The "I want to know every little detail" response.

Then there is the more common response. This is the one that most people give, "Oh, that is great. Where are you adopting from?" The "We are so happy for you." But said like they are happy that we just bought new lawn furniture. "Oh that is so great - did you get the teak or the steel lounger?" These folks know they are supposed to be happy- but can't quite wrap themselves around the idea- or can't for the life of them think why on earth we would be doing this. This is the "sit there and smile" response. They are happy in a way but can't help but showing their angst over the whole thing.

Finally, the response we have gotten- probably from most people, the "Oh I knew you guys would do that at some point" response. I have even had one friend approach me and just say, "you are adopting aren't you?" I have had several friends say, "I am not surprised." Just like that. I mean think about it- if you went up to someone who just told you they were pregnant and you just said "I am not surprised" flatly...wouldn't that be a bit odd? I guess maybe not- many times we are not surprised- but...I can guarantee you that 9 times out of 10 that pregnant person will get the "jump up and hug you" response.

Anyway- I kind of know who will give me the different responses and so I am spacing out my "telling". I have one friend that I know will just be beside herself excited and I can't wait to tell her- but I am waiting to get through a few more of the "Smile and sound excited" responses before I tell her.

I guess I know what people may be thinking. Can they afford this? They are already pretty overwhelmed with three kids- why would they add to that? Can they handle this? There is not a lot of room in that house! Will Emily ever come back to work? Well she will have to, to be able to afford all the kids!

I guess my response is that loving someone else transcends all of that and if you can love someone else that will make your life richer and their life richer. And when we think about what we are doing for the crisis of poverty and HIV/AIDS in this world and what we want to do - this feels right. This is what WE want to do. What else are we really here for? We could bring a baby into the family in different ways and we chose this one. With roughly 6 million orphans in Ethiopia alone, it seemed like the right place to find our child.

So this Big Day in our family- it lead me and my sister to talk about what a Big Year this will really be for all of us. 2006 - it even sounds like a big year.

Baby Dreams

Phoebe, born at home 7 years ago, with her brother and sister present at her birth.
I was reading in someone’s blog that they were having baby dreams. Many people adopting, talk about this adoption process like it was a pregnancy- one person said she really feels pregnant- her thinking is cloudy, she is emotional, excited...but her husband just can't grasp that its like a pregnancy. I think sometimes the husband can't always grasp it, even when the baby is growing in the belly next to him. And I don't mean that he is not excited or thinking about it- but it is very hard to bond with something he can't see or feel sometimes. So feeling the first kick is a great thing for the partner -right? This blogger was saying that she thought her husband would get excited when he actually sees the referral picture- perhaps that is like feeling his first kick.

I remember in my first pregnancy, we belonged to a birthing group that met monthly. One week we went around and talked about the most exciting thing during the pregnancy and also something that was difficult. Almost everyone in the room said the most exciting moment was hearing the heart beat. We were planning a homebirth and it was the philosophy of the midwife not to over use dopplers. She preferred to use the fetascope for listening to the baby’s heartbeat. So I, of course, had not had that experience. So for me it was the first kicks when I felt that excitement the other women had described. The thing that made it difficult was that I had miscarried right before Madeline. So it colored that pregnancy in a way that is difficult to describe. I will have to wait to see what is the most exciting moment for this "pregnancy". At this point it may just be the arrival of Mark's passport!

I have to say. I do not feel pregnant. Am I excited? YES. Am I hopeful? YES. Am I preparing mentally, physically and emotionally for this enormous change? YES. But do I feel pregnant? no. But when I read on this other blogger's site that she had been having baby dreams, it occurred to me that I, too, have been having baby dreams. I did not think much of it until she said that. I had one not too long ago- where, in the dream, I was caring for this newborn- about 8 weeks old I would guess. There was discussion about how this baby would need food and clothes and did I have baby clothes?...could I nurse this baby? I have since has several more where this child is older- closer to the age we have requested. Again last night - I was in a crazy dream where I had to do a lot of running around- entertaining guests, the laundry had piled up to insurmountable masses and the whole dream I had this young toddler on my hip. Now if that doesn't sound like the kind of dream you have when you are pregnant - then I don't know what does. So I wake up and think...that dream did make me feel pregnant but in a different sort of way. The way one might feel if they were adopting a child. I find myself watching toddlers, holding them, relating to them in the same way I have always been slightly obsessed with newborns during my other "pregnancies".

I also think we have told the kids so much about how this new child may cry and fuss a lot when they first come home that we have made them think that this is just how it will be. There are a lot of comments from the kids like, "So when we get the kid and he is crying a lot..." So, I guess they are prepared for the worst and if it’s not the case then we may not know what to do with ourselves.

The Cousins

The Cousins are the best! We love our Cousins! The Beach photo shows the cousins on Emily's side of the family. It was taken in the summer of 2004. We live all over and so its rare to get all the cousins together...but we did get to see all of the cousins from Emily's side of the family this summer and over Labor Day- when our youngest cousin, Cooper, came to Colorado!Phoebe had so much fun with Cooper, that he was the one who changed her mind about adoption. Phoebe didn't really want to have a new baby in the house- she kind of liked being the youngest- but after playing with cousin Cooper for a few days she conceded that "We could get a little boy- but only if he was JUST LIKE Cooper." So we are hoping for a toddler boy- He is not likely to have red hair- but hopefully a smile like our baby cousin Cooper.
The Other Cousins are Mark's sister's children- they are so much fun! Andre' has always been Madeline's partner in crime since they were very little. The things they used to get into! And Alex and Phoebe are our "twins” they were born one month apart almost to the minute and even though Phoebe is older- since Alex is taller they each have to take turns bossing the other one around. The are really more sisters than cousins in many ways. These two can make anyone laugh- two of the happiest kids around!

The older cousins are Carolyn 17, Philip, 15 and Nicholas 12 (almost 13!) and Nicky and Maddie are only 4 months apart. Nicky was actually at Emily's birth with Madeline. We were having a homebirth. It was a warm day in mid July and Madeline was taking her time entering the world. She was born at home in the early hours of the morning- Nicky was fast asleep by then. But he was there. (and I never heard him cry!) Carolyn, our other red head, was so excited when she heard we were adopting, she is reported to have said, "Oh Good! Now I will have a little African Cousin!!" (She did not know at the time that we had chosen Ethiopia as the country to adopt from.) Phil is our levelheaded cousin who is always ready to have a great time...two good qualities in one very mellow teenager...He is always the one little kids want to hug and climb on. This summer he was here and Phoebe fell asleep in his lap.



So we are excited to add to our little family and at the same time grow this brood of cousins- so that we can have more fun times with our cousins camping, swimming, playing games, and hanging out. I can't wait for our new child to meet his or her cousins!

The Unknown

I was just emailing a new email buddy who has recently adopted a 16 month old from Ethiopia. Her husband traveled while she stayed back with their young children. I met her through the process of sending her husband off and then the excruciating wait for their return. It is wonderful for those of us in the process to read the stories of others who are getting referrals and also who are traveling and bringing their children home. She was writing that the doctor felt the child might be a few months younger than they originally told her...there was also a scar that she knew nothing about. I was writing her about how there are so many unknowns with international adoption:

"I do think your email brings up some of the difficulties with
International adoption- we are so keen on knowing all of the details
about our kids lives- the first smile, the first time they ate solid
food, the first step etc...Its like we have this book of our child's
life and the first few chapters are just blank pages. My husband was
adopted at 6 months- we knew he was in foster care for 6 months - but
did not know exactly why until we met his Bmom. And even with that-
we know nothing of those first 6 months- we kind of joke about finding
this foster mom- see if she has any pictures or stories about him. So
even with all we really did know about him- we focus on the unknown.
I think for me that will be hard with all of the unknowns. Ok...so
hang in there...keep me posted and send me a photo of him in a bit
when you can- I want to see how he looks after he has been with his
new Mama for a few weeks."


Things we may not know about the child:
Their given name
Their true birthdate
Their family history
Their own history- who adored them, what they called him or her, if anyone mistreated them
Many of their "firsts"
Their true age
The things and people they liked- foods, songs, people who comforted when they were sad

That being said we hope to gather as much information as we can- and take a lot of pictures of the country and the people. We plan on bringing back items that the child can have from their country. We want to try and fill in some of the blank pages of their story for them as they grow.

We have three baby photos of our kids on the wall leading up the stairs. Being a new homeowner-it was the first thing I did- hang those pictures- kind of claiming this house as our own. Our social worker who did our homestudy noticed the photos- and I pointed out that Maddie's photo is the youngest- she was 4 months old when we got to the photographer, Cal is older- he was 9 or 10 months old and Phoebe is the oldest about a year. So with each child the amount of time before getting to the photographer became longer...I pointed out to the social worker- if we get a toddler then his or her picture will be right on track! I say this but know - that the child may be a bit sad that there are no true "baby" pictures of him or her. But maybe Cal and Maddie can point out how much they make fun of their photos because they think they look kind of funny!

The Barr's

The Barr Family on Christmas Eve
Emily and Mark
Cal, Phoebe and Madeline

This was taken in our new church- which meets in the elementary school where Cal and Phoebe go.

The Process

So, I told Mark I have this Blog---where I have Blogged only once..he said, "you have a BLOG?" he thought that was funny. I am really inspired by this website I saw of a family who just got their referral of a 4 month old little boy- they are using our same agency and are at the same point in the process that we are. Their website is really fun. So I am going to try and be a better blogger (try and say that 5 times fast!).

The process for Mark and I probably really started before we were ever married. It is something we have always talked about- and of course after traveling to Romania and visiting the orphanage in Arad- I think I was sold - Mark was in the middle of Law school at that time and wasn't really even ready to talk about something that huge.Then we started talking about more children again and through a series of events ended up deciding to pursue an adoption from Ethiopia back in October. By my birthday, November 7th, I had interviewed the major agencies (there are 6 official agencies that help people adopt from Ethiopia) that I was interested in.

We started our homestudy in November. Our first meeting was in a starbucks of all places...our house isn't huge and the kids were home and it would have been difficult to talk there. The second meeting was in the library by our old house- the kids were there - but off reading a goofing around. Our third meeting was in a different library (are you seeing a trend?) and this is the one where she had to interview Mark and I separately. We envisioned some of the questions she might ask...of which she asked few to none of the ones we thought she would - she was easy on us. My favorite part is that she asked me "What is it about Mark that REALLY annoys you- that drives you crazy? what one thing????" I thought and anything that truly annoys me is so not worth mentioning (like I used to hate it when he left the shower curtain a certain way- in our new house we have a shower door- so problem solved!) So I said, "What's to annoy? He does so much for all of us that is hard to say." But my mind was then thinking- "Ohnowhatdidhesayaboutme!?!" (because I know that I am annoying...) So I asked him as soon as we got in the car...it was a very sunny day - typical of Denver, Colorado - so I moved my visor to the side so the sun wouldn't shine on me and he replied, "I said that I really hate it when you move your visor to the side." I said, "you mean like I just did?" He said, "yes- I had to say something- and that really annoys me."

Our final Homestudy visit was Saturday- this is the one where she comes to the house and interviews the kids. So we cleaned. And basically resigned ourselves to the fact that our house is what it is...half painted with three kids and a dog and a guinea pig---all of whom are messy and all of whom don't do a lot of cleaning up after themselves...the funniest part of this meeting was that Phoebe (6) was really nervous. She said, "What if she makes us do something we don't know how to do?" I said, "Like what?" she replied sadly, "Like jump rope.." Mark said something like, "Yes we will all have to demonstrate our fine jump roping skills to the Ethiopian Government". The reality is - it feels like that, with this Dossier, the paperwork is overwhelming and everything costs money and you need 50 copies of everything notarized and authenticated and kissed by the Pope.

I want to wrap up this post- but I wanted to say we did have our 2nd orientation call with our agency (CWA) on Tuesday in which we were warned that we could receive our referral at anytime. I know it won't happen until at least February because our case manager is in Ethiopia from now until the end of January...but February is soon enough...and it could be later. We are excited and waiting patiently for things like Mark's passport and approval from Immigration- both of which can take some time. But the homestudy visits are behind us.....until we bring our child home and do the post placement visits!