Saturday, January 28, 2006

Baby Dreams

Phoebe, born at home 7 years ago, with her brother and sister present at her birth.
I was reading in someone’s blog that they were having baby dreams. Many people adopting, talk about this adoption process like it was a pregnancy- one person said she really feels pregnant- her thinking is cloudy, she is emotional, excited...but her husband just can't grasp that its like a pregnancy. I think sometimes the husband can't always grasp it, even when the baby is growing in the belly next to him. And I don't mean that he is not excited or thinking about it- but it is very hard to bond with something he can't see or feel sometimes. So feeling the first kick is a great thing for the partner -right? This blogger was saying that she thought her husband would get excited when he actually sees the referral picture- perhaps that is like feeling his first kick.

I remember in my first pregnancy, we belonged to a birthing group that met monthly. One week we went around and talked about the most exciting thing during the pregnancy and also something that was difficult. Almost everyone in the room said the most exciting moment was hearing the heart beat. We were planning a homebirth and it was the philosophy of the midwife not to over use dopplers. She preferred to use the fetascope for listening to the baby’s heartbeat. So I, of course, had not had that experience. So for me it was the first kicks when I felt that excitement the other women had described. The thing that made it difficult was that I had miscarried right before Madeline. So it colored that pregnancy in a way that is difficult to describe. I will have to wait to see what is the most exciting moment for this "pregnancy". At this point it may just be the arrival of Mark's passport!

I have to say. I do not feel pregnant. Am I excited? YES. Am I hopeful? YES. Am I preparing mentally, physically and emotionally for this enormous change? YES. But do I feel pregnant? no. But when I read on this other blogger's site that she had been having baby dreams, it occurred to me that I, too, have been having baby dreams. I did not think much of it until she said that. I had one not too long ago- where, in the dream, I was caring for this newborn- about 8 weeks old I would guess. There was discussion about how this baby would need food and clothes and did I have baby clothes?...could I nurse this baby? I have since has several more where this child is older- closer to the age we have requested. Again last night - I was in a crazy dream where I had to do a lot of running around- entertaining guests, the laundry had piled up to insurmountable masses and the whole dream I had this young toddler on my hip. Now if that doesn't sound like the kind of dream you have when you are pregnant - then I don't know what does. So I wake up and think...that dream did make me feel pregnant but in a different sort of way. The way one might feel if they were adopting a child. I find myself watching toddlers, holding them, relating to them in the same way I have always been slightly obsessed with newborns during my other "pregnancies".

I also think we have told the kids so much about how this new child may cry and fuss a lot when they first come home that we have made them think that this is just how it will be. There are a lot of comments from the kids like, "So when we get the kid and he is crying a lot..." So, I guess they are prepared for the worst and if it’s not the case then we may not know what to do with ourselves.

No comments: