Where I began

Early April will always conjure up a fair amount of grief in me. It was early April in 1991 when, within one week, I lost two people in my life. The first was my husband's father. An amazing man, whom I never got to really know in the way I would have liked, because I was so young myself when he was diagnosed with ALS and died. But I have these 5 kids who will never have a relationship with their grandfather, never know him, never be able to share their stores with him...and this makes me sad. And my Tina...I only knew her for less than a year- but her life and her death and her family forever changed me. I met her when I decided to "volunteer" for a year after college and ended up at Starcross Community.

This year (1991) was arguably one of the toughest and most challenging times in my life, and also one of the most beautiful and precious. I can compare it to the early times with all of my children- a time where there is very real fatigue, intense emotions and the giving over to someone else's will. This giving over that happens as a parent is really, in my opinion, a process that seems to take a life time for some and a moment for others. But at the end of the day, it is what its all about.

11 “But the greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 “Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

Because of Tina, and Julie and Marti and Toby and David and Nicky and Michelle and Holly - I am who I am today. Because of all of them, there are children without parents, with a chronic disease, with HIV, which still carries such stigma, coming home to mamas and daddys who will adore them. How one small child can change the face of generations is beyond me. And I cannot take credit for what is well beyond me.

This is a thank you to the families who are following their hearts all over the world to bring home children with HIV. You are affecting generations upon generations with your love.

our eyes once watered....

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered."
- Tom Stoppard

My friend and I were reading old emails written exactly two years ago. My life two years ago was in many ways not so different from my life now. I wrote to her that I felt like March had been one of the longest months in my life- how I had received my referral of two boys on March 1st and during that month had to have several painful discussions with family members, find the last payment due for the adoption, wait on 171h status, along with a slew of other stresses both job related and life related...what is not different? The amount of stress and fatigue I feel right now. It feels like more because its right now...but when I read those 2 year old emails- I certainly sound like I am not having an easy time of it.

Two years ago I found that quote and it felt so pertinent then and even more so now. And at that time I was arguing that you can't possibly burn every bridge in your life to a pulp- you must maintain those bridges that are not only worth maintaining, but your very life, your emotional well being, depends on it.

I love the quote. I especially love how when it talks about this thing in the past. How it refers to the pain as something that must have been so bad we presume that we were wrecked over it. On one hand it is sort of like we are saying, "Wow that was a really tough time, It must have been so hard...but I can't quite remember how difficult it really was." And on the other hand it says, "That time in your life must have been so very horrible that I can only presume that you must have been a real wreck." There is an assumption of very real grief.

...and as my friend pointed out today, "... It is so amazing to see how much we've come through, and how well we've weathered so much of what was total overload at the time we wrote all this! I agree, our eyes must have watered."

I replied, "I would presume so..."

CWA Christians With Attitude

Today CWA (Christian World Adoption) sent an invite out to a picnic they are having. One of my CWA friends sent it to our group and said we should all go- and tell them that all our kids are 3 and under- since kids 3 and under were free. We decided that since CWA got away with lying to many of us as well as both the US and Ethiopian Government's about the ages of so many of our children for their own purposes- we should be able to "adjust" their ages for our purposes as well. We thought we might go wearing our CWA shirts...we have them with a wide variety of slogans...what does your shirt say?

Mine says, "CWA: Got Truth?"